I'm perplexed. Last night, after accidentally seeing something about a new baby that left me feeling horribly sad that my baby is gone, I decided I need to do more to protect myself from things like that happening. So I wrote the following on my FB page:
I've decided to make some changes to my FB. In
a few days, I'm going to unfriend anyone who is currently pregnant, has
a new baby, or frequently comments about babies. It's too hard to have
those things in my news feed. I know many of you support us and want to
follow our story, so I've made it possible to subscribe to my posts. If I
unfriend you, it doesn't mean I don't care about you. It means your
posts are too hard for me to see all the time. Please feel free to
My intention was to let people know I might be unfriending them so they could follow my posts if they wanted to, and know that it wasn't personal, I just need to protect my heart. I thought I was being kind by removing myself instead of telling people to edit themselves.
Instead of this being heard, apparently what people heard was "No one should be happy and I hate you, so I'm going to unfriend you and I hope you die". I have gotten comments and texts and emails from people telling me how mean I am and that I shouldn't tell anyone not to be happy. I even got notes from people who do not have babies (you know, the people I wasn't going to unfriend anyways...). I don't get it.
Weird, I thought I just said I was going to stay away from your page because your happiness makes me hurt because my happiness was stolen. I guess I misspoke. Or maybe I didn't realize that unfriending people was like the very worst thing you could possibly do to someone. Weird.
I thought I was being considerate by removing myself instead of asking people to change. I guess I did it the wrong way...
*By the way, do you know why other people's happiness hurts me? It's because I don't understand why they get what I had. I don't understand why my baby was sick for no reason when so many of them live on. I don't get why I didn't deserve the happiness they are experiencing.
When I see a picture of new baby coming home all it does is bring back the feeling of going home without him.
When I see a picture of a happy couple with their son, all it does is remind me I will never have that picture.
When I hear comments about how cute this or that was that their baby did today, I want to post what cute thing Samuel did today. But I don't get to.
If you can't understand why I don't want to have that in my life, then I think you should take a moment to imagine it. Then, maybe you'll get why I don't want to see it.