I'm perplexed. Last night, after accidentally seeing something about a new baby that left me feeling horribly sad that my baby is gone, I decided I need to do more to protect myself from things like that happening. So I wrote the following on my FB page:
I've decided to make some changes to my FB. In
a few days, I'm going to unfriend anyone who is currently pregnant, has
a new baby, or frequently comments about babies. It's too hard to have
those things in my news feed. I know many of you support us and want to
follow our story, so I've made it possible to subscribe to my posts. If I
unfriend you, it doesn't mean I don't care about you. It means your
posts are too hard for me to see all the time. Please feel free to
subscribe instead.
My intention was to let people know I might be unfriending them so they could follow my posts if they wanted to, and know that it wasn't personal, I just need to protect my heart. I thought I was being kind by removing myself instead of telling people to edit themselves.
Instead of this being heard, apparently what people heard was "No one should be happy and I hate you, so I'm going to unfriend you and I hope you die". I have gotten comments and texts and emails from people telling me how mean I am and that I shouldn't tell anyone not to be happy. I even got notes from people who do not have babies (you know, the people I wasn't going to unfriend anyways...). I don't get it.
Weird, I thought I just said I was going to stay away from your page because your happiness makes me hurt because my happiness was stolen. I guess I misspoke. Or maybe I didn't realize that unfriending people was like the very worst thing you could possibly do to someone. Weird.
I thought I was being considerate by removing myself instead of asking people to change. I guess I did it the wrong way...
*By the way, do you know why other people's happiness hurts me? It's because I don't understand why they get what I had. I don't understand why my baby was sick for no reason when so many of them live on. I don't get why I didn't deserve the happiness they are experiencing.
When I see a picture of new baby coming home all it does is bring back the feeling of going home without him.
When I see a picture of a happy couple with their son, all it does is remind me I will never have that picture.
When I hear comments about how cute this or that was that their baby did today, I want to post what cute thing Samuel did today. But I don't get to.
If you can't understand why I don't want to have that in my life, then I think you should take a moment to imagine it. Then, maybe you'll get why I don't want to see it.
I'm SO sorry RaeAnne... I actually thought your FB post was very considerate and thoughtful, and in my opinion, quite understandable. I really don't get why people only care about themselves... is losing a FB friend really the end of the world? I mean we lost our children and everyone else is off in la-la land with no sense of what is important. I wish my biggest problem in life was my FB account. Anyhow, I did something similar after we lost Gabriel, but didn't give any warning.. just started un-friending people who weren't supportive or who constantly posted pics of their babies. I even considered just closing my account, but decided that I really do need the support that I get from my BL groups. Sending HUGS to you!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! It means so much that you understand.
DeleteI totally agree with Catherine, RaeAnne. Other people need to think! You are still so raw in hurt and it doesn't help the situation when salt is poured into your wounds. I wish for you lots of love and understanding. Warm hugs always....
ReplyDeleteI wish people would stop looking at things through their eyes and just take a second to see it through the grieving family's eyes. Everyone is so wrapped up in themselves that they only see what affects them, they don't want a different view point. It's so sad that compassion seems to be a dying quality of humanity. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteRaeAnne, Bryan, I am so sorry! I cannot imagine anyone judging you, not understanding your devastation over the loss of your son, or saying anything hurtful in any way. You suffered the one loss no parent should ever have to endure. There is no explaining it away, saying comforting words to ease the pain, or "doing" things to help. You hurt, it sucks, and life is never the same.
ReplyDeleteI still pray for the three of you every time I pray. I will continue to do so. I cannot imagine your pain or confusion. I cannot imagine the struggle with God because there is no sense. There is no reason you should have had this happen. There is every reason why you should have had Samuel, healthy and thriving and being there with you now.
If there is anything I can do/pray for you guys specifically I certainly will. Please know you are absolutely right to feel everything you feel and to have the right to express it in any way that works for you. You don't have to answer to others, just take care of you, your marriage, and your hearts. We love you and will continue to lift you in prayer but now will also pray prayers of protection. I'm so sorry you are living this hell. All I have to offer you is love and hugs.
Your friends have stated it well and I agree with them. You have lots of hugs from me!
ReplyDeleteNo one, just no one, GETS IT, unless they have lost a baby.
ReplyDelete