Monday, December 31, 2012

The end of a horrible year

2012 is about to end forever. Normally, a new year doesn't mean much to me. It's just another day in another month in another year. I've never been one to make meaningless resolutions, or to think life is going to change dramatically just because the date has changed. This new year feels different.

2012 has been horrible. What we've been through can compare to nothing else. The events of 2012 have left us forever changed.

In 2012, with joy and unending love, we said hello to our precious little Samuel.

 In 2012, with anguish and horror, we were forced to say goodbye.

Nothing on earth can ever undo what's been done.

2012 is written on our hearts forever. I can not and will not ever forget this year.

This year has pushed us to the brink. We have realized what truly matters, we have realized the depths of our love, and we have realized the strength of our bond. We have felt a sorrow like no other. We have felt the constant pain of missing our son deeply and wishing with all our might we could have kept him. Sometimes, I don't know how we have made it this long without him. There have been so many days I would have left this world behind in an instant if I'd only been given that option. Even as I sit to write this I imagine how nice it would be to just throw in the towel and say, "I give up, I'm done."

As I think back on this year, I'm tired. It's been a roller-coaster of emotions and events. I'm tired just thinking of it all. Sometimes I still can't believe this is really our life.

As we look to the new year, I find myself oddly hopeful. I am ready for something new. I'm ready for hope and healing. I'm ready to stop feeling horrible all the time. I want to find a way to be happy again, even though I understand that happiness will never be the same. My heart is missing a piece that can never be replaced on this side of heaven. I have to learn how to live with that Samuel-sized hole in my heart and soul. I have to find a way to make the new kind of happiness that comes from a broken heart. I imagine it will be always shadowed by his absence, but that's ok. He is forever a part of me and I'm glad.

Bryan and I talked last night about the new year. What do we want, what should we do? We know we will have to find a way to recreate our hopes and dreams. Our family will never be complete in this lifetime, so what does that mean for us? I don't know yet. I asked him, "How do you feel about starting a new year?" He said, "It's going to be a better year". I asked him why and he replied, "Well, it can't possibly be worse!" I hope he's right. I hope this new year brings us comfort and peace, healing and health. I hope we don't have to lose another person we love. We know now that nothing is certain and life happens whether you want it to or not. But I do hope we can keep those we love from now on. And I wish will all my might we could have kept him.

To 2012 I say, good riddance... to 2013 I say, please be gentle. We could really use some good in our lives.

Tonight we will look back on this year and be thankful for the time we had with our son. We will hurt once again that he left and hold each other tightly as we imagine the next year without him. We will know each day that passes brings us one day closer to the day we'll be with him again, and somehow we will find the courage and strength to step forward into a new year.

For those who have loved and supported us this past year, we say a heartfelt thank you! Sometimes, it's only because of your words and caring gestures that we've made it to the next day.

From our family to yours, we wish you all a peaceful and prosperous new year.

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