For some reason, I was super upset yesterday because we don't have anything to represent that he is getting older. When I first found out I was pregnant, I bought just about one of everything I could find for a baby boy (I just knew he was going to be a boy). Now, we're getting to the point where I don't have things that would be appropriate for a little guy his age and that makes me really sad. So I got it in my head that we needed to get him some little cars.
I have this table where I keep special things for him. I decorate it differently as I feel the urge. I just got done taking down the holiday things the other day. I put up his little hat and a few snuggle animals, but something was missing. There was nothing that said, he's not a little baby anymore.
When Bryan came home for lunch, I told him I wanted to go buy Samuel some cars. He said, "I don't understand, he's never going to use them". I told him I didn't care if they just sit un-played-with for the rest of my life, I needed to have them. He still didn't understand, so I grumpily told him I didn't care what he thought I was going to get them anyways. (I wasn't good company yesterday).
Later on last night, while he was working in the office, I drove to the store and got myself some little cars for my little guy. I love them!
I happily carried them inside and showed them to Bryan. He liked them too. (I knew he would). We open the box and scooted them around the table. One crashed on the floor. Bryan said, "I bet that's what he'd be doing with them". We smiled as we imagined him crashing them around on the floor. Then held each other tight as we remembered he never would. Our house is missing the sounds of a little guy with little cars.
I put them on his table and I like it. It says, he's not a little baby anymore! He's probably crawling around heaven and crashing all sorts of little cars.
I wish he were here instead.
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| fire truck |
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| His table. |
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| police car |
A couple months after my Evan was buried, I went to Toys R Us and bought him an orange Jeep and a Thomas the Tank Engine. His grave was so naked and bare, I wanted something there to let people know that a baby boy rested there. It felt a smidge weird but I wanted to do it and that's all that matters. I continue to buy Evan little odds and ends to decorate his grave. Recently, it has been lots of pinwheels and toys. And I like it.
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