I'm fairly certain I'm never going to sleep ever again. Ever. Again.
Late on Friday night, I was unloading the dishwasher. Somewhere between bending down to pick things up from the rack and straightening back up again, I threw my back out. I just stood there, sharp pain shooting down my back and leg, unable to fully straighten up. Since then, I haven't been able to lay down at all without lots of pain. I've been trying to sit and sleep, but it's not working. If I turn in just the right way, I have shooting pain in my lower back.
It hasn't been this bad since I threw it out a couple months after he died.
I'm at my wits end.
It's been about a week of poor sleep and now two nights of no more than a few hours sleep. Now, my back is feeling a bit better and I'm tired, but I can't sleep. I just lie there, tired and yawning, but unable to fall asleep.
Tomorrow is Samuel's 9-month birthday. I'm not okay with that. Nine months is far too long. I can't believe how big he would be. Our lives should be so much fun with a very busy little guy. Instead, it's just a sad and empty nightmare all the time.
I'm sure that all this stress is a major contributing factor (if not the cause) to my back issue, but I don't really know what to do about that. I can't fool my body into believing I'm not sad and stressed out. It's just another thing to deal with I guess.
Who can I yell at for doing this to us? Oh, that's right, no one. These things just happen sometimes.
How long can you go without sleep? I'm sure I'm going to find out soon.
Until then, I'm going to lose my mind in 5...4...3...2...