My heart has been so heavy these past few days. Lots of tears, lots of sadness, lots of missing my little guy.
People have been surrounding me with love and support and that means a lot.
This morning, I woke up really early just feeling so blue. I feel like I have nothing left to give anyone. I'm worn down and tired of living in a world where our very loved and wanted baby died for no reason.
Once again, my new friend, Why-on-earth-did-this-happen?, has returned.
Since I haven't felt like doing much of anything today, I am still in my robe and jammies at just about noon. Really, what's the point of getting dressed?
Just a little while ago, I was sitting on the couch, looking at pictures of my sweet little guy and trying to imagine what he might look like now. I miss him so much I don't even know what to do.
While I was sitting there, crying my eyes out, the doorbell rang. Oh great...who on earth could be here? I looked around at the pile of kleenex and my disheveled self and thought good grief, what a mess! I momentarily considered just ignoring it, but I told myself, whoever it is, I'm just going to let them see this mess...let them see what my life is like. Bathrobe, messy-hair, puffy eyes and piles of used kleenex. I figured, if it's someone who knows us, they'll understand. If not, then it doesn't matter anyways.
So, I opened the door and a man was standing there with flowers. He said, Ryan and Roseanne? I said, Uh, no, Bryan and RaeAnne? Yep, close enough.
I brought them inside and unwrapped them. It was a beautiful rose and wintergreen arrangement that smells like winter and Christmas. It made me smile.
I read the card and realized they were an early anniversary gift from my parents. I texted her to say thank you. She said they were supposed to come next Friday (our actual anniversary). The florists mistake turned out to be a good thing because the brought a bit of good into a very bad day.
I'm still not going to get dressed, but at least I'm off the couch (for now).