Wednesday, January 9, 2013

sleeplessness, panic and friends who care

I've been on a super messed up sleep schedule for the past week. Well, really, ever since Samuel died. I have such a hard time falling asleep. It doesn't matter how tired I feel, I just think and think and think. I miss him a lot at night. I guess it's because I have nothing to do but think and he is where my mind goes.

Another thing that's new since he died is anxiety. I've never been one to worry much or have any anxiety other than what most people experience. Now, it's a different story. I get super anxious, much of the time. If we have plans, I worry the entire day and night before. Even if it's something I want to do. If I have an appointment the next day, I usually can't sleep the night before. If it's a holiday or special day of Samuel's, same thing. I panic. It happened on Sunday, when I felt overwhelmed by all the pregnant woman I saw and with the woman asking about just the two of us. Panic. I got super hot, jittery, and uneasy. I can't think straight and I feel sick. Why? I can't really say. It's not a specific reason. It just happens. I look for a way out of the situation asap and try to calm down. It's just a part of life now. So many unpleasant things are just part of my life now. It's just the way it is.

After my big melt down on Monday, I went to bed at a normal time and work up early Tuesday with Bryan. I made him breakfast and cleaned up some things while he was getting ready for work, and then headed downstairs to do laundry after he left. While I was waiting for the first load to finish, I got a call from my sister-in-law, Angi. She asked if she and two friends could come down for a quick visit over lunch to talk and bring a meal. I felt up to it, so I agreed. As is typical now, I felt panic as soon as I hung up the phone. It's crazy. Thoughts flood my mind: What if I cry? What if I don't? What if I say something wrong? What if they say something I feel bad about? What if they don't understand? What if it's awkward? and on and on. I have to stop myself and say It's okay. It'll be okay.

When I'm super overwhelmed, I've learned to take things moment by moment. So I just did the next thing. I took a shower. Ok, I can handle that. I got dressed. No problem there. I watch a little TV and folded laundry. See, it's going to be okay.

By the time Bryan came home for lunch, I was better. I reminded myself, they are coming down because they care. It's a good thing.

They came with hugs and yummy food for dinner and a sweet gift of chocolates and comfy pj's. I showed them all of Samuel's things and we talked about him. We went out to lunch and talked some more. They listened and asked questions. It was good.

I felt loved and cared for. Sometimes you just need a little TLC from people who care about you. It was very sweet of them to drive so far to spend time with me. It meant a lot.

After they left, I felt supported but also drained (totally normal for me after being around people,) so I took a nap.

After I woke up, Bryan was home and getting the yummy dinner ready. A weird - but not abnormal - thing happened. I spent the rest of the evening feel super emotional. Lots of tears, lots of sadness, lots of missing him. I don't know where it came from so strongly. I was just really weepy all evening. Later on,  Bryan went to bed, and I went downstairs to watch TV. As I sat there, trying to pay attention to the show, tears just flowed down my face. I miss my baby. 

I couldn't sleep all night. I read things online, I cried, I watched TV, I cried, I cleaned up, I cried. Around 2am, I went upstairs to Bryan. I haven't done that in a while, it was mostly in the first few months after Samuel died that I would wake him up to hold me, but I needed to, so I woke him up and cried with him for a while.

Finally, I got myself calmed down. I went downstairs again so Bryan could go back to sleep.

I watched more TV and read more online and did more crying.

I sit here now to write this and I'm still all weepy. I don't know why it's so bad right now. I guess I had some pent up tears that just needed to get out. Maybe it was talking face-to-face with people about everything. Maybe it was the realization that people do care, and will try to hear me, even if they can't fully understand. Maybe it's that talking about how I feel out loud reminds me that it's all so real. This actually happened.  Maybe it's still run off of all the confusion of this past week.

Or, maybe it's that bunny's 9 month birthday is coming up and I'm not ready. I can already feel it coming. 9 months. That's so old. He'd be such a big boy. I can't believe it's been so long. Where on earth have the past 9 months gone?

Whatever the reason, here I sit, still weepy.

I guess I'll go try to sleep in my new jammies...maybe that will help me reset.


  1. I think what you are going thru is so normal. I just think people don't talk so freely as you do about the inner-workings of their minds as they go through something so traumatic. I mean, technically, you could even call it, post traumatic stress disorder. You have gone through a very traumatic event. People go to war and see things that they never should see or experience. Same with you. I have had anxiety by going thru huge changes in my life. You have gone thru a very huge event that noone should have to go through. I think honestly, you handled it amazingly. You are doing amazing... as amazing as a grieving mother can be. You are grieving for your baby the way that's natural to you. Taking it one step at a time.

  2. I'm very sorry you are struggling so!I am glad you are able to let the tear out, you deserve to have that expression. You are doing a great job of an unthinkable task. You are going through a grief process and it doesn't feel good, it doesn't make sense, it is something you should not have to do but you ARE doing a great job! Keep crying and keep missing your baby boy. It is healing for your heart even if just one small step at a time.
    Sending lots of hugs and love for both of you!

  3. Everything you wrote about here is spot on. I am 21 months out from my loss and I still get so anxious over going out or meeting with people. It is not as intense as it used to be, but still there. Last night at a work out group I had to introduce myself. I could feel the panic rising as my turn got closer. Those places where you have to give your life story in like 30 seconds are the hardest for me-tell them about Caleb or don't? Say how many kids I have or leave one out of the mix? Babyloss is so exhausting to navigate. I am glad you had good friends to care for you and listen, those are precious. Praying that your heart feels peace as you approach the 9 month mark. Samuel is so beautiful!


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