When you say nothing at all

Four years ago today, Bryan and I were married, surrounded by friends and family, in front of a huge picture window with lite snow falling behind us. It was beautiful. I knew he was perfect for me and that I would love him for the rest of my life.

I look back at the photos of that day and all I see is love and happiness. We were so naive.

We have been through so much in such a short time of being together. Sometimes I can't believe it's only been four years. Our son's entire lifetime happened within those short years. We have faced joy, heartbreak, and a pain like no other. Beginning with Samuel's diagnosis, our naivety was lost.  Through it all though, somehow, we found strength in each other and faced it with love and hope.

 When he died, our hearts broke and our dreams for our family were irreparably altered.

This past year has been a nightmare in every sense of the word. Our pain has pushed us to the brink and there were times when we both just wanted to give up. But through it all, we have never given up on our relationship. We turn to each other in our pain and carry one another when it seems like we'll never be ok again. We hold each other and cry with each other and love our little guy together. 

We know we will love each other for the rest of our lives.

As we try to celebrate the day, we are sad that our son is not here with us. We are sad that he is not sharing in our special day, a visual representation of our love for each other. But he's always in our hearts, so we carry him with us as we'll  try to make the best of our anniversary.

I got a text from my sister-in-law and she got it just right.  She said, "I wish me and your mom were fighting over who gets to watch Samuel so you guys can get away to celebrate".

Oh man, I wish that too. (Although if he was here, I don't think I'd ever be able to let anyone else have him!) 

Happy Anniversary Bryan, I love you deeply and endlessly. You are an amazing husband, a great provider and a loving friend. You are the perfect father to Samuel. I couldn't have picked a better man. 

I love you forever,
RaeAnne <3

(This is the song from our first dance together and husband and wife. )