Sports and little shoes

Last night Bryan and I spent a long time talking about Samuel. It was good. Lot's of tears, but good. He is our son and we love him so it's good when we can talk about him and imagine him together.

We were working on redoing his table together. Bryan wanted to do more sports themed things for his little boy, so I went into Samuel's room and got the little Vikings shoes we have for him. They are so tiny and cute. I picked them up and immediately started sobbing. I wanted so much for him to wear them! I'm so angry he was taken from us.

We held each other and cried for a while. We talked about how Bryan would be teaching him to throw and catch. How we would have a little tiny basketball set for him to practice on. I think it was really hard for him to remember he won't get to do that with him. It's heartbreaking.

He ended up putting the sports things down in his guy room. They fit with all the other sports things. It should have been the place Samuel and Bryan went to have "boy time" away from mama. So many "should have been" moments in our lives.

The baseball bank Bryan made for Samuel

His Vikings shoes and hat

Guy room with Samuel's things

He couldn't sleep much last night. Life is just not right in our house. It always blows my mind when people think I'm the only one who is deeply impacted by Samuel's absence. Bryan hurts too and misses his little guy all day, just like I do.

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Today is my dad's birthday. As I thought about what to do, I imagined bringing Samuel up to see Grandpa today. He would have "helped" opening the gift and blowing out the candles on his cake. It would have been special.

Since I can't do that, I'll do this instead:

Proud grandpa <3

Happy Birthday Dad and Grandpa. We love you!