My first inclination is to say the past few days have been really bad. But shouldn't that mean the days prior to them weren't so bad? Since that's not true I'll have to say I've been really feeling bad for so long that I honestly can't remember what it feels like not to have this weight of grief constantly on my shoulders. What does carefree feel like? I have no clue.
Grief is so heavy.
The past few days I guess I haven't had enough distractions because it's been really, really rough. So much crying, so much missing him, so much longing for a different outcome. I miss him so very much. I wish with all my heart I could talk to him, play with him, smell him and just have him with me. It's almost too much to bear.
It's been super cold outside and I keep imaging us hunkering down inside with toys and blankets and books. I imagine him wearing his cute little sweater (the one I bought when I was 8 weeks pregnant. It has a antique truck on it, so cute) and toasty little slippers (they look like teddy bears). We would be having such a fun time. Just me and my baby all day long.
But that was too much to hope for I guess.
Instead it's just me, a cold house, and dreams of the life that should be.
I sometimes find myself just sitting and staring off in to space. Sometimes I just can't even function enough to do anything else. Nothing else is worth doing. I should be busy all the time. Busy, happy, tired and in love with a sweet-faced little guy. Nope. I guess that just wasn't for me. (Apparently, it's totally fine for any 16-year-old-one-night-stand-with-so-and-so). I'm just so sad and tired all the time. How on earth did we get here? Where do we go from here? I have no clue on either point. I guess we just keep going until someday it's all over. That's my life in a nutshell. Existing until I don't have to anymore.
To borrow a quote from the Little Bird blog, it's just another bad day in a bad month in a bad year.