Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Bad days

My first inclination is to say the past few days have been really bad. But shouldn't that mean the days prior to them weren't so bad? Since that's not true I'll have to say I've been really feeling bad for so long that I honestly can't remember what it feels like not to have this weight of grief constantly on my shoulders. What does carefree feel like? I have no clue.

Grief is so heavy.

The past few days I guess I haven't had enough distractions because it's been really, really rough. So much crying, so much missing him, so much longing for a different outcome. I miss him so very much. I wish with all my heart I could talk to him, play with him, smell him and just have him with me. It's almost too much to bear.

It's been super cold outside and I keep imaging us hunkering down inside with toys and blankets and books. I imagine him wearing his cute little sweater (the one I bought when I was 8 weeks pregnant. It has a antique truck on it, so cute) and toasty little slippers (they look like teddy bears). We would be having such a fun time. Just me and my baby all day long.

But that was too much to hope for I guess.

Instead it's just me, a cold house, and dreams of the life that should be. 

I sometimes find myself just sitting and staring off in to space. Sometimes I just can't even function enough to do anything else. Nothing else is worth doing. I should be busy all the time. Busy, happy, tired and in love with a sweet-faced little guy. Nope. I guess that just wasn't for me. (Apparently, it's totally fine for any 16-year-old-one-night-stand-with-so-and-so). I'm just so sad and tired all the time. How on earth did we get here? Where do we go from here? I have no clue on either point. I guess we just keep going until someday it's all over. That's my life in a nutshell. Existing until I don't have to anymore.

To borrow a quote from the Little Bird blog, it's just another bad day in a bad month in a bad year.


  1. I continue to lift you and Bryan in prayer every night. I believe with every fiber of my being that God can, will, and is working on your heart right now. There is SO much pain and hurt to mend. But I believe you will feel a new normal and it won't be such a raw hurt. You won't ever not miss him, feel sad, or want him. He's your son, nothing will every change your heart for him. But I do believe God will bring you to a new place at some point. I just wish I could wave a wand and bring all the pain onto me and allow you to feel like and free, in love, and normal whatever that may be because I just have no idea.
    Keep moving through the days. All of us will continue to lift you in prayer, breathe for you when it hurts to much to do it on your own, and hold you up when you are just to weary to take it any more.
    Surrounding you in love and strength, hugs, and peace in hopes that you will one day find them again. I'm so sorry you have to walk this journey!!I am just so very sorry!! <3

  2. RaeAnne, you described grief exactly when you said that it is just so heavy. I truly feel for you as you describe your babyloss. How you describe your days reminds me of my first year so much. I'm feeling it so much today that my arms are aching. Why did we get picked in the lottery of losing our firstborn babies? Get blindsided by the words, "no heartbeat." I hate those cruel words! I am so sorry for your suffering my friend.xx


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