Monday, January 7, 2013

Melt down

Imagine you're in a car accident. The entire car is destroyed. There is screaming and fire and sirens all around you. You are terrified and confused and in shock. You somehow manage to climb out of the mangled wreck and look down to see blood gushing out of your body. Suddenly, the pain floods over you with an intensity you have never experienced. You need help. People see you, and have a worried look on their face. You say, help me, please! They say, "I'm sorry this happened" and "that's so sad". But before long, they start talking to each other and saying, "You need to stop thinking only of yourself, other people have problems too you know". You look back down at all the blood and glass and the crushed metal. Did I make this up? You look around again. No it's really happening. Again, people look at you and say, "That sucks this happened, but it's done, you need to get over it, you can always get a new car". You think, that's not the point! I'm broken and bleeding, can you see?? But no one comes to help you. They stand by the side of the road and tell you what you should be doing. They say, "If it were me in the accident, I'd do ________". But they don't understand. You realize you're on your own.

That's how it feels to be me a lot of the time. Dazed, confused, hurt, broken, misunderstood and alone.

I know there are people who care about us. I know there are people who want to help (although, unlike the accident above, there is really nothing anyone can do). The problem is that it's not those who care that we hear from most often. It's those who think we're doing it wrong, or are making a big deal out of nothing.

It's hard to know people care when they don't tell you.

(Thankfully, some people have done their best to care for us and send their love. Those are the people we want in our lives. Those are the people we are most grateful to. If you are one of them, you make our lives a little better and we appreciate you. )

Today was a mess.

After all the stress and drama of the past few days, combined with the general heartache of missing my baby, and days of little to no sleep, I finally lost it.

Complete melt down. That was me today.

I cried and cried and cried. I got mad and ranted about the nightmare that is our life. I saw way too many pregnant woman today (is it wrong to daydream about pushing them down and screaming at them? Bryan says, yes, it's wrong. Fine.) The nice woman we talked to today asked, "just the two of you?" and I said yes, and then later cried my eyes out because I wished I had told her about Samuel. (Although what she was asking about had nothing to do with "do we have any kids".)

It's all just too much sometimes.

All day long I imagined him. He would be so big!

I miss him.

I wonder what he'd be up to?

I wish we could have known.

What a mess.


  1. What a perfect way to describe a perfectly horrible experience that people just don't understand. Just because your pain isn't tangible to them doesn't mean it isn't there. Wish people could just be supportive. I'm so sorry for what you went through and are still going through now, wish there was a magic wand to bring back these sweet babies that you and so many other people have to go without. It's pretty unfair.

  2. RaeAnne, I hear your hurt and pain. It IS real. You are bleeding all over. It was good for you to have a melt down. You expressed your true self. It deserves to be heard and expressed.
    It is sad to all those who love you and Bryan that there really is not anything we can do to help take the pain away.
    Those people who condemn you, who do not understand, who tell you to move on, they are the weeds you need to pull from your garden so that the flowers (you and Bryan) don't get chocked out.
    I wish for you a big powerful bear hug so that it will help stop the bleeding. I have an alarm on my phone still set for 8:30 and pray for your family every day....Yes! You do have a child! And it is OK to tell others that.
    I still tell people we have three kids but one died. We have three kids.
    I pray peace and comfort for your bruised and bleeding heart. It is not enough but it is all I have to give.

  3. OMG! You are so right! My sister found my blog and wrote me a nasty email about writing my feelings down. I wrote a few weeks ago a post much like your today. I posted it and within minutes I had to take it off b/c of the flack. RaeAnne, I have identified with you so much from the very beginning of reading your blog because I see so much of myself in you. I reacted so much like you. I've had to hide it all of these years. Now, 37 years later, I find my twin sister making fun of my blog. She says I am just seeking attention. I posted today and tip toed around my fits of anger and hurt b/c of my sibbling. I wish I could hide my blog from her! THEY NEVER UNDERSTAND! Sorry, but I just had to vent. I was way to nice in my post. I really do care my friend.


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