Sports and little shoes

Last night Bryan and I spent a long time talking about Samuel. It was good. Lot's of tears, but good. He is our son and we love him so it's good when we can talk about him and imagine him together.

We were working on redoing his table together. Bryan wanted to do more sports themed things for his little boy, so I went into Samuel's room and got the little Vikings shoes we have for him. They are so tiny and cute. I picked them up and immediately started sobbing. I wanted so much for him to wear them! I'm so angry he was taken from us.

We held each other and cried for a while. We talked about how Bryan would be teaching him to throw and catch. How we would have a little tiny basketball set for him to practice on. I think it was really hard for him to remember he won't get to do that with him. It's heartbreaking.

He ended up putting the sports things down in his guy room. They fit with all the other sports things. It should have been the place Samuel and Bryan went to have "boy time" away from mama. So many "should have been" moments in our lives.

The baseball bank Bryan made for Samuel

His Vikings shoes and hat

Guy room with Samuel's things

He couldn't sleep much last night. Life is just not right in our house. It always blows my mind when people think I'm the only one who is deeply impacted by Samuel's absence. Bryan hurts too and misses his little guy all day, just like I do.

_____________________


Today is my dad's birthday. As I thought about what to do, I imagined bringing Samuel up to see Grandpa today. He would have "helped" opening the gift and blowing out the candles on his cake. It would have been special.

Since I can't do that, I'll do this instead:

Proud grandpa <3

Happy Birthday Dad and Grandpa. We love you!

Dreams of Samuel

While I sat on the couch tonight, I closed my eyes and dreamed of Samuel.

He is in his ducky jammies, all clean from a bath. I  pull him up close and snuggle us up in a blanket. We read a story and I sing him a song and help him lie still. I rub his back and caress his soft hair while he quietly breathes in and out, slowly falling to sleep. I hold him close and breathe him in; His sweet clean baby scent is my favorite smell in the world. I hold him for as long as I want, before tucking him into bed and whispering "Goodnight my love!"

It's just me and my baby. 

All is right with the world.

I open my eyes and see only darkness and hear only silence.

Nothing is right. 

He's gone forever.

Unsettled

For the past few days, I've had the urge to write. I sit down and open a new page but nothing comes. I have so many things on my mind, but no clear way to get them out. So I just walk away.


I am S L O W L Y trying to figure out how to live in this life of mine. What do I do now? Who am I now? How can I move forward with such a huge hole in my heart and an unsettled soul? That's exactly how I feel. My soul is torn between two places. I'm unsettled.

I think that's why I have a hard time sleeping. There is always a feeling of being lost/disconnected/unsettled. I'm not sure that feeling will ever leave me. He will always be there and I here.

I feel empty so much of the time. My purpose in life has been stolen from me. I should be busy. I should be mothering and feeding and cleaning and teaching. Instead...nothing. I mother a baby who is not here. That's so very hard to do. I have endless amounts of love and energy to put into him and no real way to give it to him. Like a missile whose target has vanished, my mothering has no where to land. It just keeps searching and searching but there is no Samuel to be found.

So I'm empty and unsettled. 

I'm trying to put energy into the group I started for families like us, who carry to term after a fatal diagnosis. (All That Love Can Do.) The Facebook page is growing in numbers and I'm just starting to feel like we might actually be able to help people. That feels nice (although I would gladly trade it all for Samuel). I didn't want to lead a group, I wanted to be a mama to a living baby. But it's a way to bring meaning to his beautiful life, so I'm doing it for him <3

Yesterday, I tried to run some errands. Typically, I prefer to just stay home. It's not safe out there, with all the pregnant bellies and babies at every turn. I just don't fit into life anymore. Eventually, though, you just have to get some things.

As I stood in line at the post office, two friends met up in line and started talking about their kids and families and such. I got to thinking how I will never be able to share about Samuel. I will never be like them.

I think once your baby dies, it's kind of like you have started speaking a new language. The people around you don't know it, so they can't really communicate with you. You can try to explain things over and over again, but you always know it's just not really landing. (Even though some people do their best to try to learn). You wander around life, feeling disconnected from everything and everyone. You just don't fit anymore.

I think that's why babyloss friends are so important. When you hear another babyloss parent speaking the same language, it's such a huge relief! Finally, someone to talk to; someone who understands instantly.

I'm so grateful for the people I have met online and in person who I can talk to about Samuel without having to constantly try to explain. I wish with all my heart none of us had to know this horrible pain and loss. But I'm glad we have each other.

I'm grateful for my friends and family who have done their very best to try to imagine how hard this is for us. Who never try to push us or criticize our grief. Who just listen and love. Those are the people I want in my life. 

I'm going to keep trying to figure out this new life of mine. I'm trying to figure out how to fit into a world that's been irreparably skewed. It's going to take a lot of time and I'm not going to push myself hard. I'm going to take small steps. And that's perfectly ok.

How cute? So cute!

I miss my little guy so much. I don't know what to do with myself.

Let's look at some pictures and remember how cute he is <3

tiny little big boy hands <3

tiny, darling little guy

all snuggled up

making a hand mold

little piggies

Proud daddy <3

so soft

Making the mold of Samuel's hand in daddy's.

Look at those tiny little piggies <3

hair cut

warm and cozy

He loves his little guy <3

What on earth am I going to do without him...

Bad days

My first inclination is to say the past few days have been really bad. But shouldn't that mean the days prior to them weren't so bad? Since that's not true I'll have to say I've been really feeling bad for so long that I honestly can't remember what it feels like not to have this weight of grief constantly on my shoulders. What does carefree feel like? I have no clue.

Grief is so heavy.

The past few days I guess I haven't had enough distractions because it's been really, really rough. So much crying, so much missing him, so much longing for a different outcome. I miss him so very much. I wish with all my heart I could talk to him, play with him, smell him and just have him with me. It's almost too much to bear.

It's been super cold outside and I keep imaging us hunkering down inside with toys and blankets and books. I imagine him wearing his cute little sweater (the one I bought when I was 8 weeks pregnant. It has a antique truck on it, so cute) and toasty little slippers (they look like teddy bears). We would be having such a fun time. Just me and my baby all day long.

But that was too much to hope for I guess.

Instead it's just me, a cold house, and dreams of the life that should be. 

I sometimes find myself just sitting and staring off in to space. Sometimes I just can't even function enough to do anything else. Nothing else is worth doing. I should be busy all the time. Busy, happy, tired and in love with a sweet-faced little guy. Nope. I guess that just wasn't for me. (Apparently, it's totally fine for any 16-year-old-one-night-stand-with-so-and-so). I'm just so sad and tired all the time. How on earth did we get here? Where do we go from here? I have no clue on either point. I guess we just keep going until someday it's all over. That's my life in a nutshell. Existing until I don't have to anymore.

To borrow a quote from the Little Bird blog, it's just another bad day in a bad month in a bad year.

The Liebster Award

Gabriel's mama has nominated me for a Liebster Award... I'm so touched <3.

This blog award is granted to up and coming bloggers with fewer than 200 followers who deserve some recognition and support to keep on blogging. What is a Liebster?  Liebster is German and means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome. Now I'm even more touched.

Here are the rules:
1. Answer the questions sent to you by your nominator.
2. Pick 11 blogs to nominate.
3. Write 11 questions for them to answer.

Here are my answers to Catherine's questions:

1. Do you believe in Heaven?Why or why not? Yes, I do believe in Heaven, although I feel frustrated a lot of the time that I don't know more about what it's like for Samuel there. I believe it's a beautiful place with love and peace and light. I believe we will all be together again someday and all the pain of this world will be done forever.
2. What is your favorite book? This one is hard to answer. I  have read a lot. I have tons of books and many favorites. Little Woman is one I read every Christmas. My favorite genera is psychological thrillers. I love solving puzzles in story form. The first novel I read was called "Nathan's Run", by John Gilstrap. To this day, it comes to mind most when I'm asked this question. I love the idea that you can change your circumstances even when things look most grim. You just need someone to listen.
3. Have you every been on T.V.? Not that I know of...
4. Do you have any tattoos? If so, describe them. I have a rose on my back. I like that no one can see it unless I want them too. (Read, my husband).
5. What are you most proud of? By far, I'm most proud of Samuel. I'm proud that we carried him, I'm proud that we did all we could, and I'm so very proud of him for working so hard to stay with us for as long as he did. He was a little fighter! <3
6. Do you remember what you dreamed about last night? I have crazy dreams!!! I dreamed I met a pregnant woman in a dressing room and she told me the babies were going to die after they were born. I told her about Samuel and we became friends. At one point, we were at a car wash and I was trying to find something to write on in my purse for what seemed like an eternity.
7. Would you rather cook or do the dishes? I use to really enjoy cooking. I loved using lots of fresh and healthy ingredients to create something super enticing and enjoyable. Now, the joy has gone from it and it's more of a chore. But I'd still prefer it over dishes!
8. Have you ever been on a blind date? If so, how was it? Oh sakes, yes. Y I K E S. Can I leave it at that? Let's just say he brought a photo album of his cats in "funny" poses to impress me. I left after 15 minutes.
9. Have you ever met a famous person? If so, Who? If now, who would you like to meet? Not that I can remember...I'm not really into pop culture, so no one is coming to mind...Oh, ok, Michelle Duggar. I love how she parents and approaches life. Also, she lost two babies, so she knows.
10. What is the best gift you have received related to the loss of your baby? Impossible to say just one. There have been some amazing gifts! Any gift is special to me because it's shows me the person is thinking of Samuel. (Plus, I LOVE gifts/mail). I love when something just shows up in the mail and it's for/about Samuel. That always makes my day!
11. If they made a movie about you and your life, what would the title be? I'm not certain, but it would definitely include the word "Love". <3

 Whew! That took a lot of thinking. I don't think I've engaged my brain like that for a while. 

The only problem I'm encountering is that most of the blog I read have hundreds of followers. So I'm going to list as many as I know. (If you have a blog you'd like me to consider adding, please send me a note and I'll take a look.)

Here are my nominations (in no particular order):

1. Ashley at Pregnant with my angel: Emery's Story. 

2. "Mrs. X" :) at Life: Not what it should be. 

3. Becky at For the Love of baby Liam.

4. Erin at Mourning into Dancing.

5. Kelly at Levi and Kelly

6. Beth at Beth Morey: Beauty from Ashes. 
7. Lisa at Dear Finley.
8. Gale at Fittsie's Angels.
9. Annie at Carpenter Rebuilt. 

I'll try to find more to add soon!

Here are my questions:
1. What do you love the most about your baby/ies?
2. What character from a book would you like to meet (even fictional ones)? Why?
3. If someone could bring you a meal right now, what would it be?
4. What is the best thing someone has said to you after your loss?
5. What reminds you of your baby the most?
6. What's your favorite song/book/movie?
7. Who do you admire most?
8. What's one thing you wish people knew about you?
9. If you could visit any place in the world, where would you go and what would you do?
10. What's the best date night you and your spouse/partner ever had?
11. If you could redo your wedding day, what would you change/what would you keep?

I can't wait to hear the answers!

When you say nothing at all

Four years ago today, Bryan and I were married, surrounded by friends and family, in front of a huge picture window with lite snow falling behind us. It was beautiful. I knew he was perfect for me and that I would love him for the rest of my life.

I look back at the photos of that day and all I see is love and happiness. We were so naive.

We have been through so much in such a short time of being together. Sometimes I can't believe it's only been four years. Our son's entire lifetime happened within those short years. We have faced joy, heartbreak, and a pain like no other. Beginning with Samuel's diagnosis, our naivety was lost.  Through it all though, somehow, we found strength in each other and faced it with love and hope.

 When he died, our hearts broke and our dreams for our family were irreparably altered.

This past year has been a nightmare in every sense of the word. Our pain has pushed us to the brink and there were times when we both just wanted to give up. But through it all, we have never given up on our relationship. We turn to each other in our pain and carry one another when it seems like we'll never be ok again. We hold each other and cry with each other and love our little guy together. 

We know we will love each other for the rest of our lives.

As we try to celebrate the day, we are sad that our son is not here with us. We are sad that he is not sharing in our special day, a visual representation of our love for each other. But he's always in our hearts, so we carry him with us as we'll  try to make the best of our anniversary.

I got a text from my sister-in-law and she got it just right.  She said, "I wish me and your mom were fighting over who gets to watch Samuel so you guys can get away to celebrate".

Oh man, I wish that too. (Although if he was here, I don't think I'd ever be able to let anyone else have him!) 

Happy Anniversary Bryan, I love you deeply and endlessly. You are an amazing husband, a great provider and a loving friend. You are the perfect father to Samuel. I couldn't have picked a better man. 

I love you forever,
RaeAnne <3

(This is the song from our first dance together and husband and wife. )

Outrage!

I'm so outraged right now I am considering getting on the next plane and showing up at Ricki's door!

I saw this clip from the Ricki Lake Show and I'm disgusted, outraged and horrified.

Feel free to watch it, but be forewarned, it'll make your skin crawl if you've lost a baby!

 http://therickilakeshow.com/episodes-clips/2013/1/Mourning-a-Loss-of-a-Child


The couple lost their baby boy only 5 months ago and the "professional" on the show does everything in his power to be as wrong as humanly possible about their grief. He says they are "stuck" and she should get a job and have a new baby. He pours guilt over her about not being a good mother. I honestly couldn't get through the whole thing before I started boiling with rage that these poor people had to sit there and listen to this NONSENSE.

You know who makes comments like he made? People who have NO CLUE what it's like to lose a child. Why he was used on the show is beyond me. (He's apparently a couples counselor from VH1. Yep, there's the problem right there...)

I'm heartbroken for this family. First and foremost for their loss, second for this atrocity. I wish I could tell them in person. There is NO time limit. Five months is just the beginning to a lifetime of grief. It's some of the most horrific pain anyone can experience. No going to work, no new baby, no "moving on" will change that. Period.

The fact that this show is broadcast into people's homes with such backwards information makes me nauseous. The things he is talking about are such common misconceptions about loss. Now, there is a "professional" acting as if it's truth. I COULD THROW UP.

If you are as outraged as I am, would you consider helping me inform the show of their massive error?
You can contact them here.

We need to let them know it's not okay.

I wish I could just hug this poor family and tell them how sorry I am. They will love and miss their baby forever <3.

Little cars

Yesterday was really hard. Then again, so were a lot of the days leading up to it. Today, somehow, it's not as bad.

For some reason, I was super upset yesterday because we don't have anything to represent that he is getting older. When I first found out I was pregnant, I bought just about one of everything I could find for a baby boy (I just knew he was going to be a boy). Now, we're getting to the point where I don't have things that would be appropriate for a little guy his age and that makes me really sad. So I got it in my head that we needed to get him some little cars.

I have this table where I keep special things for him. I decorate it differently as I feel the urge. I just got done taking down the holiday things the other day. I put up his little hat and a few snuggle animals, but something was missing. There was nothing that said, he's not a little baby anymore.

When Bryan came home for lunch, I told him I wanted to go buy Samuel some cars. He said, "I don't understand, he's never going to use them".  I told him I didn't care if they just sit un-played-with for the rest of my life, I needed to have them. He still didn't understand, so I grumpily told him I didn't care what he thought I was going to get them anyways. (I wasn't good company yesterday).

Later on last night, while he was working in the office, I drove to the store and got myself some little cars for my little guy. I love them!

I happily carried them inside and showed them to Bryan. He liked them too. (I knew he would). We open the box and scooted them around the table. One crashed on the floor. Bryan said, "I bet that's what he'd be doing with them". We smiled as we imagined him crashing them around on the floor. Then held each other tight as we remembered he never would. Our house is missing the sounds of a little guy with little cars.

I put them on his table and I like it. It says, he's not a little baby anymore! He's probably crawling around heaven and crashing all sorts of little cars.

I wish he were here instead.

fire truck

His table.

police car

9 Months

I don't know what to say.

I'm empty inside.

Hollow.

I can vividly picture what might have should have been.

A big boy.

A big smile.

A little truck and some cars.

Happiness and love.

A loud home.

A grateful mama.


Instead, it's silence.

It's sadness. 

It's empty.



Nine months. Far too long, but only the beginning.

A one-year birthday party that will never happen, followed by a 2 and 3 and 10.

Pictures of a baby who will never grow past 35 weeks and 4 hours old.

Endless love and an endless desire for a different outcome.

Dreams that will never come true.


I miss you, my little man <3 


*See Bryan's post here. 

These things just happen...

I'm fairly certain I'm never going to sleep ever again. Ever. Again.

Late on Friday night, I was unloading the dishwasher. Somewhere between bending down to pick things up from the rack and straightening back up again, I threw my back out. I just stood there, sharp pain shooting down my back and leg, unable to fully straighten up. Since then, I haven't been able to lay down at all without lots of pain. I've been trying to sit and sleep, but it's not working. If I turn in just the right way, I have shooting pain in my lower back.

It hasn't been this bad since I threw it out a couple months after he died. 

I'm at my wits end.

It's been about a week of poor sleep and now two nights of no more than a few hours sleep. Now, my back is feeling a bit better and I'm tired, but I can't sleep. I just lie there, tired and yawning, but unable to fall asleep.

Tomorrow is Samuel's 9-month birthday. I'm not okay with that. Nine months is far too long. I can't believe how big he would be. Our lives should be so much fun with a very busy little guy. Instead, it's just a sad and empty nightmare all the time.

I'm sure that all this stress is a major contributing factor (if not the cause) to my back issue, but I don't really know what to do about that. I can't fool my body into believing I'm not sad and stressed out.  It's just another thing to deal with I guess.

Who can I yell at for doing this to us? Oh, that's right, no one. These things just happen sometimes. 

How long can you go without sleep? I'm sure I'm going to find out soon. 

Until then, I'm going to lose my mind in 5...4...3...2...

A florists mistake

My heart has been so heavy these past few days. Lots of tears, lots of sadness, lots of missing my little guy.

People have been surrounding me with love and support and that means a lot.

This morning, I woke up really early just feeling so blue. I feel like I have nothing left to give anyone. I'm worn down and tired of living in a world where our very loved and wanted baby died for no reason.

Once again, my new friend, Why-on-earth-did-this-happen?, has returned.

Since I haven't felt like doing much of anything today, I am still in my robe and jammies at just about noon. Really, what's the point of getting dressed?

Just a little while ago, I was sitting on the couch, looking at pictures of my sweet little guy and trying to imagine what he might look like now. I miss him so much I don't even know what to do.

While I was sitting there, crying my eyes out, the doorbell rang. Oh great...who on earth could be here? I looked around at the pile of kleenex and my disheveled self and thought good grief, what a mess! I momentarily considered just ignoring it, but I told myself, whoever it is, I'm just going to let them see this mess...let them see what my life is like. Bathrobe, messy-hair, puffy eyes and piles of used kleenex. I figured, if it's someone who knows us, they'll understand. If not, then it doesn't matter anyways.

So, I opened the door and a man was standing there with flowers. He said, Ryan and Roseanne? I said, Uh, no, Bryan and RaeAnne? Yep, close enough.

I brought them inside and unwrapped them. It was a beautiful rose and wintergreen arrangement that smells like winter and Christmas. It made me smile.

I read the card and realized they were an early anniversary gift from my parents. I texted her to say thank you. She said they were supposed to come next Friday (our actual anniversary). The florists mistake turned out to be a good thing because the brought a bit of good into a very bad day.

I'm still not going to get dressed, but at least I'm off the couch (for now).

sleeplessness, panic and friends who care

I've been on a super messed up sleep schedule for the past week. Well, really, ever since Samuel died. I have such a hard time falling asleep. It doesn't matter how tired I feel, I just think and think and think. I miss him a lot at night. I guess it's because I have nothing to do but think and he is where my mind goes.

Another thing that's new since he died is anxiety. I've never been one to worry much or have any anxiety other than what most people experience. Now, it's a different story. I get super anxious, much of the time. If we have plans, I worry the entire day and night before. Even if it's something I want to do. If I have an appointment the next day, I usually can't sleep the night before. If it's a holiday or special day of Samuel's, same thing. I panic. It happened on Sunday, when I felt overwhelmed by all the pregnant woman I saw and with the woman asking about just the two of us. Panic. I got super hot, jittery, and uneasy. I can't think straight and I feel sick. Why? I can't really say. It's not a specific reason. It just happens. I look for a way out of the situation asap and try to calm down. It's just a part of life now. So many unpleasant things are just part of my life now. It's just the way it is.

After my big melt down on Monday, I went to bed at a normal time and work up early Tuesday with Bryan. I made him breakfast and cleaned up some things while he was getting ready for work, and then headed downstairs to do laundry after he left. While I was waiting for the first load to finish, I got a call from my sister-in-law, Angi. She asked if she and two friends could come down for a quick visit over lunch to talk and bring a meal. I felt up to it, so I agreed. As is typical now, I felt panic as soon as I hung up the phone. It's crazy. Thoughts flood my mind: What if I cry? What if I don't? What if I say something wrong? What if they say something I feel bad about? What if they don't understand? What if it's awkward? and on and on. I have to stop myself and say It's okay. It'll be okay.

When I'm super overwhelmed, I've learned to take things moment by moment. So I just did the next thing. I took a shower. Ok, I can handle that. I got dressed. No problem there. I watch a little TV and folded laundry. See, it's going to be okay.

By the time Bryan came home for lunch, I was better. I reminded myself, they are coming down because they care. It's a good thing.

They came with hugs and yummy food for dinner and a sweet gift of chocolates and comfy pj's. I showed them all of Samuel's things and we talked about him. We went out to lunch and talked some more. They listened and asked questions. It was good.

I felt loved and cared for. Sometimes you just need a little TLC from people who care about you. It was very sweet of them to drive so far to spend time with me. It meant a lot.

After they left, I felt supported but also drained (totally normal for me after being around people,) so I took a nap.

After I woke up, Bryan was home and getting the yummy dinner ready. A weird - but not abnormal - thing happened. I spent the rest of the evening feel super emotional. Lots of tears, lots of sadness, lots of missing him. I don't know where it came from so strongly. I was just really weepy all evening. Later on,  Bryan went to bed, and I went downstairs to watch TV. As I sat there, trying to pay attention to the show, tears just flowed down my face. I miss my baby. 

I couldn't sleep all night. I read things online, I cried, I watched TV, I cried, I cleaned up, I cried. Around 2am, I went upstairs to Bryan. I haven't done that in a while, it was mostly in the first few months after Samuel died that I would wake him up to hold me, but I needed to, so I woke him up and cried with him for a while.

Finally, I got myself calmed down. I went downstairs again so Bryan could go back to sleep.

I watched more TV and read more online and did more crying.

I sit here now to write this and I'm still all weepy. I don't know why it's so bad right now. I guess I had some pent up tears that just needed to get out. Maybe it was talking face-to-face with people about everything. Maybe it was the realization that people do care, and will try to hear me, even if they can't fully understand. Maybe it's that talking about how I feel out loud reminds me that it's all so real. This actually happened.  Maybe it's still run off of all the confusion of this past week.

Or, maybe it's that bunny's 9 month birthday is coming up and I'm not ready. I can already feel it coming. 9 months. That's so old. He'd be such a big boy. I can't believe it's been so long. Where on earth have the past 9 months gone?

Whatever the reason, here I sit, still weepy.

I guess I'll go try to sleep in my new jammies...maybe that will help me reset.

Melt down

Imagine you're in a car accident. The entire car is destroyed. There is screaming and fire and sirens all around you. You are terrified and confused and in shock. You somehow manage to climb out of the mangled wreck and look down to see blood gushing out of your body. Suddenly, the pain floods over you with an intensity you have never experienced. You need help. People see you, and have a worried look on their face. You say, help me, please! They say, "I'm sorry this happened" and "that's so sad". But before long, they start talking to each other and saying, "You need to stop thinking only of yourself, other people have problems too you know". You look back down at all the blood and glass and the crushed metal. Did I make this up? You look around again. No it's really happening. Again, people look at you and say, "That sucks this happened, but it's done, you need to get over it, you can always get a new car". You think, that's not the point! I'm broken and bleeding, can you see?? But no one comes to help you. They stand by the side of the road and tell you what you should be doing. They say, "If it were me in the accident, I'd do ________". But they don't understand. You realize you're on your own.

That's how it feels to be me a lot of the time. Dazed, confused, hurt, broken, misunderstood and alone.

I know there are people who care about us. I know there are people who want to help (although, unlike the accident above, there is really nothing anyone can do). The problem is that it's not those who care that we hear from most often. It's those who think we're doing it wrong, or are making a big deal out of nothing.

It's hard to know people care when they don't tell you.

(Thankfully, some people have done their best to care for us and send their love. Those are the people we want in our lives. Those are the people we are most grateful to. If you are one of them, you make our lives a little better and we appreciate you. )

Today was a mess.

After all the stress and drama of the past few days, combined with the general heartache of missing my baby, and days of little to no sleep, I finally lost it.

Complete melt down. That was me today.

I cried and cried and cried. I got mad and ranted about the nightmare that is our life. I saw way too many pregnant woman today (is it wrong to daydream about pushing them down and screaming at them? Bryan says, yes, it's wrong. Fine.) The nice woman we talked to today asked, "just the two of you?" and I said yes, and then later cried my eyes out because I wished I had told her about Samuel. (Although what she was asking about had nothing to do with "do we have any kids".)

It's all just too much sometimes.


All day long I imagined him. He would be so big!

I miss him.

I wonder what he'd be up to?

I wish we could have known.

What a mess.

The Truth

Yesterday was a huge reminder that most people do not understand the gravity of losing a child. Most people see it as a bad thing that happened, or just another problem in life that we all face. But I know the truth.

The truth is that losing a child is not "a problem". It's not "one of the bad things we all have to face in life". It's not comparable to any other loss anyone can experience. Period. When you lose your child, you lose a part of your heart and soul. They are not replaceable, they are not forgettable, they are not something to get over. Once your child dies, you are forever changed.

Yesterday, lots of people had lots of comments about my grief and my desire to protect myself from further hurt. Some were helpful and loving, others were only focused on the way my grief affects them. What I don't understand is that I wasn't telling anyone to change or to be unhappy. I was saying I needed to remove myself. Why was that hurtful? I have no idea. I'll never understand why people complain to me about how my grief if affecting them. I have never once told anyone they have to read our story or be a part of our pain. If you choose to read this, that's up to you. I'm always appreciative of people who care. If you don't like what I have to say about our life, then stop reading. Why, instead, go I get people telling me how I should or shouldn't be feeling and/or acting? I don't get it.

What I came away from the FB debacle with is this: most people I know don't get it. Most people are more concerned with how I treat other people than with how I'm feeling. Apparently, it's worse for a person to unfriend you than for a mother to lose her baby and need to distance herself from other new parents. The people about to be unfriended were defended, while I was made out to be hurtful, mean, and unable to move on. That's messed up. I guess it's too hard for people to realize that babies die and mamas hurt. I guess it's easier to speak out against their pain than face it. What boggled my mind was that many of the most offended people don't even have new babies! They were never going to be deleted to begin with. (Although I can't say they are not on the cutting room floor now...)

When your child dies, you learn a lot about life really quickly. You have a new and more real view of life. You know the truth.  Most people think they have control over their lives. But you only think you have control until something happens outside of that control. Then you realize you never had it to begin with. This is something I know now.

When people say to me, "everyone has problems", I realize they don't understand. To say that losing a baby is a problem and everyone has problems, is to reduce the severity of the situation. It minimizes it so they can handle it. Yes, everyone has problems, but this is not a problem. This is the death of our loved and wanted child. This is the loss of our reality, our dreams, and our beliefs. It's also, apparently, the loss of much of our former support system.

Yesterday left me feeling sad that people are so caught up in their own little issues that they can't find compassion for people who are truly hurting. Yesterday left me ever more grateful for the people who have stood by us, no matter what.

I'm also grateful for the new friends I've met in the babyloss community. The ones who understand immediately and, despite their own pain, are more than willing to love and support us when we need it.

I heard a little story the other day that illustrates this perfectly:

This guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out.

A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, "Hey you. Can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. 

Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, "Father, I'm down in this hole can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on.

Then a friend walks by, "Hey, Joe, it's me can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here."The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out."

I love this because it's so true. Parents who have lost their children hurt the most, but are the first to actually help when it's needed. I love that and I'm so glad I have made these new friends, in person and online, to help me.

Today, I'm thankful for a couple things.
1. For babyloss parents who support me when no one else understands.
2. For my true friends who have stood by us even when they don't understand. It takes a special kind of person to say I may not understand, but I'm going to try. I appreciate those friends.

Today, just like every other day, I miss my baby and love him endlessly.

Confusion

I'm perplexed. Last night, after accidentally seeing something about a new baby that left me feeling horribly sad that my baby is gone, I decided I need to do more to protect myself from things like that happening. So I wrote the following on my FB page:

I've decided to make some changes to my FB. In a few days, I'm going to unfriend anyone who is currently pregnant, has a new baby, or frequently comments about babies. It's too hard to have those things in my news feed. I know many of you support us and want to follow our story, so I've made it possible to subscribe to my posts. If I unfriend you, it doesn't mean I don't care about you. It means your posts are too hard for me to see all the time. Please feel free to subscribe instead.

My intention was to let people know I might be unfriending them so they could follow my posts if they wanted to, and know that it wasn't personal, I just need to protect my heart. I thought I was being kind by removing myself instead of telling people to edit themselves. 

Instead of this being heard, apparently what people heard was "No one should be happy and I hate you, so I'm going to unfriend you and I hope you die".  I have gotten comments and texts and emails from people telling me how mean I am and that I shouldn't tell anyone not to be happy. I even got notes from people who do not have babies (you know, the people I wasn't going to unfriend anyways...). I don't get it.

Weird, I thought I just said I was going to stay away from your page because your happiness makes me hurt because my happiness was stolen. I guess I misspoke. Or maybe I didn't realize that unfriending people was like the very worst thing you could possibly do to someone. Weird. 

I thought I was being considerate by removing myself instead of asking people to change. I guess I did it the wrong way...

*By the way, do you know why other people's happiness hurts me? It's because I don't understand why they get what I had. I don't understand why my baby was sick for no reason when so many of them live on. I don't get why I didn't deserve the happiness they are experiencing. 

When I see a picture of new baby coming home all it does is bring back the feeling of going home without him. 

When I see a picture of a happy couple with their son, all it does is remind me I will never have that picture. 

When I hear comments about how cute this or that was that their baby did today, I want to post what cute thing Samuel did today. But I don't get to. 

If you can't understand why I don't want to have that in my life, then I think you should take a moment to imagine it. Then, maybe you'll get why I don't want to see it.