I don't know.
I've done it so many times and yet I still keep on going. There is healing in tears. When I don't cry all day and then finally sit down and just let it out, I feel better for that moment. I need to get it out. I need to know how deeply I miss him.
But, still, for some reason, I turn to anger a lot of the time. Maybe it's becuase I can actually do something when I get angry. I can scream, I can yell, I can throw things and rip things and dream up ways to hurt someone/something. It feels like I'm actually accomplishing something. But I also hate it. I'm not this person. I used to be calm and happy. (Ok, maybe a little excitable at times...).
The truth is...I'd rather let people see my anger than see my sorrow. Seeing my sorrow is like seeing my heart and that's too much for me. My heart is not for everyone. It's for Samuel and Bryan. (I think Bryan is the only person I've sobbed in front of).
I can talk about it though, and tonight (well, actually, it's 2am) I'm just so very sad.
Last evening, I day-dreamed of him taking a bath with bubbles and toys. I pictured him splashing and making a big mess everywhere while we laughed and played with him. I think he would have tried to eat the bubbles. And he would have sucked on the washcloth. Maybe his hair would be long enough for a tub-time mow-hawk??
My heart is so heavy. I can't believe I'll never get to do that with him. I can't believe I missed out on his only bath. I think I hate Mankato for not having a NICU and Rochester for sending me home. I always have to live on Bryan's memories and the video. Why did a random nurse get to bathe my baby instead of me? I don't know. Because that's just my life.
Look at how cute he is all soapy and wet <3 <3
|I have no idea why she held him like this. He's sitting on the bed and she's holding him with her hands. I would have done it way better. My poor little guy : (|
|look at that curly hair. I love him so much!|
I miss him so much.