It's always the same

He's always gone.

I've had some bad days lately. I don't think I can explain what it feels like. I want things to be different so badly I could just explode.  I hate this with every fiber of my being. I'm not okay that he's gone. I'm not okay with people acting like it's not a big deal. I'm not okay with life going on for everyone.

Doesn't everyone know a beautiful baby has died?? How can you go on when that's true? Everyone - at the very least, everyone who knows us - should be horrified and grieving deeply right along with us. There should be no parties, or laugther, or happiness (and certainly no pregnancies). But those things are happening right now, as I sit here dying.

Everyone who knows what happened should be so mad at God for abandoning us and not being who we all thought he was. But, instead, they keep on living their "good Christian" lives as if this didn't happen. It baffles me every times I think about it.

How can people still believe in healing when my beautiful little baby died while we begged for his life? How can anyone still have faith? I have no idea.  I guess it's because it wasn't their baby whose life depended on a miracle.

Mine did and now he's gone. How can I ever believe again?

I've been abandoned and forgotten.

Last night, I sat in Samuel's room, holding my bunny, and crying my heart out. I'm so broken. I am missing out on his life and I can't stand it. It's killing me.

Do you know what it feels like to carry a baby, to love them and want them, to deliver them, and then not even get to hold them? To not get to smell them or hear them? To have to hear on a phone call that he's died and know there is nothing you can do to be with him? It's maddening and gut-wrenching. I truly believe a part of my soul died in that moment. There is no coming back from that.

Our family is forever broken. That will never change.

I found a new blog today and I read something that really resonated with me:

"Grief is very strange... That first year, I was in such a terrible place of upheaval - emotionally, physically, mentally, rationally, spiritually. Sometimes it felt like someone had taken a giant eraser and wiped everything familiar out of my brain and replaced it with garbled nonsense. I was completely baffled on how I was supposed to go on with life without her. Everything seemed so pointless and mundane compared to what I had just been through and I didn't know how to survive. I couldn't kill myself so I just trudged on, pushing my way through the nightmare that had become my reality. That was what the first year was - trying to figure out how the hell to get through the day and doing whatever it took in order to do so."

I just nodded alone as I read that. Upheaval is the perfect word. That's exactly how I feel. Just trying to make it from one day to the next. Not having any clue what's going on, why it happened, how how to deal with it.

I just wanted to keep him <3