I was on the cusp of losing it, but I backed off. Here is what's happened since I wrote earlier...
First, I had a complete breakdown. Sobbing, screaming, throwing things, imagining ways to off myself, etc, etc. I stood in my bedroom and screamed for a few minutes (yeah, I know that makes me sound like a crazy person. Oh well, it's my life). It was all I could come up with to do.
What do you do when injustice is so overwhelming and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change things? You scream and sob from the depths of your soul for things to be different.
Since I know I can never follow through with my plans for running away forever, I called my therapist and asked if she could get me in today. She did. I sobbed my way out to the car and drove over to her office.
As always, I went in a mess and came out a (somewhat) sane person again.
I need to put firmer boundaries in my life. I'm not in any way ready to be around kids/babies yet, so I should have said no. It was too much, too soon.
I DO NOT want to know about ANY pregnancy, unless it's a rainbow baby. If you don't know what that is, then you should not be involving me in your pregnancy. I will not be happy for you because I'm so sad for us. If you think that makes me a bad person, then you don't understand and that's all there is to it.
Bryan and I always do our best when we just stay home and spend time with each other. I don't know why we let other people in, when so often it just leads to horrible days like today.
Today is just a reminder that life goes on for everyone else. We are not ready to join back in. We are forever changed.
Now there is one more family in our extended family that we can't be around any more. Yes, we are choosing that. It's way too painful any other way.
What an absolute mess, all because we wanted a baby to love and raise.
Your last sentence says it all. Losing your precious baby just turns everything sour. I had meltdowns like you. I also used to ride across the railroad tracks in my car without looking if a train was coming or not. RaeAnne, I feel your pain and it is horrible. I pray you have some ray of sunshine drift in soon. I am so sorry. I hate that you are having to go through this.
ReplyDeleteSending you so much love. When you write, "Today is just a reminder that life goes on for everyone else. We are not ready to join back in. We are forever changed", my heart strings are being tugged at. How true that is -- even when I'm 2.5 years out from my loss. Hugs to you! Rebecca
ReplyDeleteYou're pain is so heartbreaking because its so real. I COULD NOT handle pregnancies after Caleb. I had 10-thats right-10 friends announce pregnancies in the 2 months after he died, some of whom didn't even want to be pregnant! It was the worse pain ever. I eventually learned the hard way (like you are) that I had to set boundaries. I couldn't be in conversations involving babies or pregnancy (and if they randomly came up I had a whole set of transition sentences I would use to get us off of the baby topic). It's so unfair seeing who gets babies and who doesn't. I hope that one day the fairness factor will be in your favor. Praying for you to have some better days. You love Samuel so much and he is so lucky to have you as a mom.
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