Beautiful

It's been a very bad couple of days. I'm so hurt and angry.

I sat down and wrote a long post about what I was feeling and why. Then I realized I have no desire to give anyone who loves attention any more of it. So I didn't publish it.

Instead, I'm going to focus on Samuel. My beautiful and darling little love.

I saw an angel, of that I'm sure...you're beautiful, it's true. We shared a moment that will last 'till the end. I saw your face in a crowded place and I don't know what to do.... 'cause I'll never be with you.

When I think of him, I feel so much love and joy in my heart that he is mine. When I think of how he fought so hard to stay here with us, despite it all, I'm so proud of him. He was a strong and brave little guy.

I miss him all the time. I wonder what he would be doing and how he'd be growing and changing.

Our lives are empty because we are missing out on such a special little presence in our home.

There should be giggles and new words and learning and growing. There should be toys all over and stinky diapers and messy hands. It would be awesome. We should be going places together and exploring this big world together. I wanted to be the one to teach him.

I just really miss him.

I'm so sad he didn't get to stay.

I guess when you're fighting with heaven over who gets to keep someone so beautiful and wonderful, heaven is always going to win. He was too beautiful for this ugly world.

Samuel <3

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I was at the grocery store on Friday and I saw all these super cute little doggy balloons.  They have weighted feet, so they actually "walk" on the floor.

I imagined taking him out of the cart and seeing the excitement on his little face as he scooped them up.

If he were here, I would have bought them all for him <3