10 Months

Wow, here we are... 10 months. That's too long.

I miss him tremendously.

If he were with me today, I'd take him to the animal shelter and let him play with puppies and kitties for as long as he wanted. I bet he would have loved it.

Then, I would have taken him to the carousel at the mall. (I always regret that we didn't go for a ride while he was here).

Since it's also Valentine's Day, we would have taken an embarrassingly huge balloon to daddy at work and then taken him out to lunch. Me and my two loves.

Instead, I'll just miss him and cry and try to find a way to make it a nice evening for just the two of us.

Today should be so different. Everyday should be so different.

I feel so empty all the time. My days and nights, weeks and months, all just blend together in one big empty ball of sadness. Honestly, sometimes I stop and think about what I'm doing and have no idea how this much time has passed. We are WAY too close to his first birthday.

Ten months later, I know my grief has changed. I'm not the total mess, the can't-possibly-function person I was in the beginning months. Sadness and emptiness are just part of who I am now. I struggle all the time with questions about what us and why our baby. But there are never any answers.

Anger and deep sadness can creep in at any given moment, so I know I have to be super careful with who I allow in my life and where I go.

I can not stand the sight of a baby. I literally cringe and turn away if I see a stroller, car seat, or the like. The sounds of a baby crying, cooing, or babbling are enough to make me lose it and run away. I just can't handle that someone got to keep their baby when mine was stolen away.

It's not okay with me that this happened. It never will be.

He should be the baby in the cart, cooing and babbling. He should be the one I spend my day with. He should be here and that's all there is to it.

I really wanted to keep him.

Today we celebrate love.

I love my two boys so very much <3. We will light his special candle while we eat dinner and spend time talking about him and looking at pictures. It's all we have.


To my two special valentines, one in heaven, one here with me, I love you both <3

Happy 10 months in heaven, Samuel. Mama and daddy miss you so much! We can't believe it's been this long. Every day brings us closer to seeing you again, but they feel so long and empty without you. You are our special little guy. I wish I could give you a thousand kisses on your chubby little cheeks. Happy Valentine's Day. We love you, Bunny <3 

Love, hugs and kisses,

Mama