Friday, February 8, 2013

breaking point

I figure there must be a breaking point at some point in all this mess. A point in time when your heart hurts so much and your soul has been ripped so many times you just give up. You become irreparably bitter and angry. I feel that happening today.

I'm so repulsed and horrified I can't even handle it. I want to scream and cry and rip my own heart out because it just hurts too much.

I believe I'm on that edge of just becoming a bitter, empty and angry person for the rest of my life. It's ugly but it's how I feel right now.

The other day, when my sister-in-law was here, she kept her coat on the entire time. I just knew in my heart she is pregnant and wanted to hide it from me.

Well today I comfirmed it's true.

I think I'll just go and die somewhere.

I can't even keep one baby and she somehow get's to have 6. This world is disgusting and horrible and unjust.

I hope I never ever ever have to see or hear anything about this or any other baby ever again.

Do you know what worse than death? Wanting to die but not being able to. I can't leave Bryan behind. I can't do that to him.

But today I wish I could. 

1 comment:

  1. Darling momma, you are *so allowed* to feel this rotten. What we've suffered with the deaths of our children is a terrible injustice. It takes a lot for us to function after our babies died that we are allowed to fall apart.

    I repeat, you. are. allowed. to. fall. apart.

    The pain doesn't ever truly go away but it does lessen some days. I'm just about 5 years into this grief road and it does get a little bit "easier" on occasion. You're allowed to lose it after keeping it together for so long. There's no shame in admitting you're angry at others for being able to carry babies when you're not.

    I find it rather healthy to let people know.

    "I know you're pregnant and right now I am not happy for you, I am grieving my child and it will be a long time until I can be happy for you.
    Please don't be offended if I can't talk to you or be friends with you for a while.
    I'll let you know when I'm able to be around you again." I have lost a few friends after my two babies died and that's par for the course. I've gained far more than I've lost and they've become my safety net for the dark days where I'm angry at anyone and anything. We are here for you dearie. Never be ashamed for grieving your beautiful little Samuel. There's a learning curve that happens as we learn to live without our precious blessings in our arms. Anger is part of that and you are totally justified.

    (I'm a friend of little bird Angela's btw, that's how I found you.)


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