Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Strong enough?

Apparently, God thinks I'm stronger than I actually am. I know He is with me because I have not laid down to die in a hole somewhere. I want to, but I don't. It was another sleepless night last night. Can you understand the stress and pressure of begging and pleading with God for hours on end? Please! God! Let us keep him! Let his body be whole again! Save us from this!! How can I sleep? Yesterday, we went to our church and a few of the pastors and other members prayed with us. Samuel was wiggling so much the whole time! I've only felt him move a few times and this was one of the most prominent times. So, for that moment, we knew he was still with us.

This morning, we once again packed all of our bags into the car and headed to Rochester. God's grace allowed me to get through the ride, but once we parked I broke down. This could be the day I have to say goodbye to my love. WHAT IS GOD DOING TO US!?! I finally pulled it together and we took the walk to the office. We sit silently in the waiting room while all the other mommies sit with their big bellies and their baby magazines and their no cares in the world. Since I had felt him the night before, we assumed he would be ok, but, as per our new usual, we knew we had to prepare ourselves for the worst. Finally, we made it back to the room and I climbed back on to the table. His heart is still beating! *HUGE SIGH* Ok, now what... any improvements?     No. In fact, his bladder has ruptured and caused his abdomen to collapse. Oh, ok, I'll file that under "perfectly legitimate reasons to have a mental breakdown someday".  I hate everyone again today. WHAT ON EARTH IS HAPPENING.

I'm so tired. I don't know how I can keep doing this. At some point, I'm assuming my heart will just say "I give up" and my brain will agree. It feels like someone went digging through the pile of pieces of my broken heart, found the biggest fragment and threw it to the ground.

How many times can I look at my baby, his little heart beating away, his body wiggling and moving about all while knowing it doesn't mean he's going to live? False hope is terrible.

Everyone keeps telling me "God can heal him!" I think they have forgotten that can and will are two very different things.Also, if one more person tells me that God will use this for His glory, I will punch them in the face.

Life goes on for everyone else. I guess for us too. Our next appointment is on Wednesday next week.

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