Samuel's Christmas

Christmas has come and gone. It will always be “Samuel’s Christmas”. We really didn’t do much. It’s hard to celebrate anything. We read “the night before Christmas” to Samuel before bed and told him all about what Christmas is, and why we celebrate. On Christmas, we decided to go to church and, although I lost it a few times, it was worth going. Our pastor spoke on believing in God’s abilities. He told us the story of a father whose son was possessed. The man said to Jesus, “Please, help him if you can!” Jesus replied, “What do you mean, if I can? Everything is possible for one who believes.” (See Mark 9:14-29). While not your typical sermon for Christmas, it was just what we needed to hear. Our logical brains, along with all the medical information, tell us not to have hope. We feel the pain of his loss and he’s still here. Our believing hearts say God can do all things! We are torn. Do we put all our hope in an absolutely miraculous healing? (Only 1/2500 babies diagnosed with PUV in utero lives.) Or do we prepare ourselves for the worst? We have been doing both, but now realize we need to put more effort into believing God CAN heal him, if he chooses. He never promised he would, but we know he has the power. So we pray for a complete healing, but we also pray for peace and comfort. We can’t deny the facts and it would be foolish to not prepare for the worst, but we will continue to pray for healing until God make His decision known to us.

We put away all the decorations on Monday. When I found out I was pregnant, I started crocheting a blanket for him (I guess I just knew he was a boy, since I used blue and green yarn). I wanted it to be big enough for him eventually to use on his bed, so it has taken me a while to get it finished. I did so on Monday. Now, I have nothing left to do.
My emotions have been all over the place. One minute, I’m happy and singing to him, the next the bitter anger of his loss hits me over the head and I want to scream and cry. I’m doing my best to be calm for him, but sometime I just want to lose it. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?

We got the chromosome test results back and all are normal. The doctors say PUV “just happens”. Why is it that our baby is the one it “just happened” to? I try to find peace, but the pain of losing him is overwhelming. I will never ever get my first baby. I will carry this with me until I die. I hate this!!

I guess it’s a defense mechanism, but I keep thinking, “if I just get him far enough along, they can fix him”. There is absolutely no medical reason for me to think it, it just keeps coming into my head. Then, I realize it’s not true. This keeps happening over and over. I guess I’m trying to find hope.

My dreams are plagued with scenes of death and loss and pain. I can’t seem to go one night without dreaming of some horrible thing happening to me or around me. I just want to have one night where I can fall asleep soundly. Even though I’m tired, my thoughts before sleep are only on Samuel. “Please God, heal him!” “Please God, save us from this!” “Please God, don’t let him feel any pain!” It’s my desperate attempt to save him when I really don’t have any control.

While other mommies are picking out their babies things and planning their lives together, I’m planning my baby’s funeral and trying to prepare myself for the day when I have to deliver him and hold his little lifeless body. I want to die. I try to plan out what I’m going to say to people and how I’m going to face my life without him. I don’t want to do any of that. New plan God, just take all of us instead of just him. Can you do that?

God, give me the strength to get through this! Help me to love Samuel fully and to show him what life is like during his short time here. Take away my anger and give me peace. You are in control and you can heal him. We trust that you know all things and can get us through this time. Thank you for never leaving us.

Our next appointment is January 4th. Somehow we will make it.