"Mama"

Last night, I had a dream about Samuel. It was a nightmare, but there was a moment of pure joy within it as well.

He was born and it was Christmas time. He was a toddler. Since dreams don't always make sense, he had some type of deformity on his shoulder and back. When people went to hold him, they would gasp and say "did you know about this?" and "I don't want to see that!" I would pull him away and hold him tight. I didn't care about it...I loved him!

I got a really good look at his face. He looked just like his daddy! He had big blue eyes that were sparkling and full of joy. He had such a big smile and he was so happy! In the dream, I knew he was sick and he might die soon. We were at a family holiday party and there were tons of my relatives there. I kept asking people around me with cameras to take lots of pictures and video of him (since I had this feeling he might not be around much longer). But each time I would ask them to, they would just pretend to take it and then move on to something else. I kept asking to see the photos and when I got the camera it was just pictures of other things. I was so sad and hurt! The weird part was that people kept wanting to hold him so I didn't get him. Finally, I got really upset and pulled him away. He looked at me and said "mama". It was the most precious thing I had ever heard (I get a little emotional just remembering it - ok, a lot emotional). I held him close and cried because it felt like I was the only person who valued him. I woke up crying because the emotions were so strong. I haven't had such a vivid dream in a long time. All day long I keep remembering his face. So sweet and innocent and completely full of love and joy. I can still hear the little "mama" he said when I picked him up. My heart is heavy with the longing I have to keep him. I would trade anything for him. I would go to the ends of the earth if I thought it would save him.

Tonight's bed time story was from a book I recently purchased. It's called "Kingdom Parables". Its Biblical parables told as animal stories. It's very cute! The story tonight was based on the "the Persistent Widow" from Luke 18:1-7. Its about asking God for your desires until he answers you. Jesus tells his followers to pray continuously and never give up. Perfect timing! I've been praying almost constantly every day. I told God He is going to have to fight me for Samuel because I have every intention of keeping him! How comforting to know Jesus commented on that very persistence. I will not give up until I get an answer!!

Tomorrow, my parents are coming to help us finish (or mostly finish) the nursery. It's coming along and I love it! They very generously purchased him/me a very comfortable upholstered rocking/swivel chair and I love to spend time each day sitting in his room, rocking him, reading to him, listening to music and praying.

Samuel, mommy loves you so much! You are my precious little guy ~xoxo~