Wow, I am all over the place emotionally. Every few days, I lose it and have a terrible day. Then, because God is with me and people are praying for me, I pick myself back up and get a second wind. (A good night's sleep doesn't hurt either!)
After a day of freaking out and crying for hours on end, I thought I wouldn't be able to make it through another second of this. But the very next day I was refreshed and ready to face life again. His mercy is new every morning. (Thank you Jesus!) The unknown is always scary. Even more so is the future you THINK is going to happen, if it's looking bleak. I know I seem to go back and forth on this. The truth is, I do. So much for being an unwavering person. Such is my life right now. I'm back to believing God will heal my baby. I don't think I ever stopped, I just got side tracked and sad. Usually, I feel really bad after moments (days) of unbelief. "Well, God is never going to help us now!" But I'm wrong. I keep saying it, maybe one day I'll believe it : God knows my heart. He knows my deepest desire is to keep this baby. I want him healed completely so I can raise him and love him all his life. Even in my weakness and moments of doubt, he knows this is what I want. So I will not lose heart.
Today at church, our pastor was speaking on preparing for "A God Visit". One passage he noted was Mark 4:35-41. Jesus and his disciples are traveling in a boat. Jesus goes to sleep below deck while a great storm brews and threatens the safety of all on board. Every person begins to freak out and scream for Jesus. They can't believe he is sleeping and beg him for help. Jesus calmly walks to the side of the boat, reaches out his hand and calms the storm. (In my head I imagine him yawning and walking right back to bed.) For God, nothing is a surprise and nothing is outside his control. He had no reason to be concerned; he knew he could fix it.
What stands out to me is how often the disciples freak out about things that Jesus could easily handle. They, more than any other person, knew who he was and what he could do, but still they could so quickly become distressed. So, I ask myself, what does this mean for me? Jesus is not afraid of our moments of distress or questioning. He is big enough to handle me freaking out and getting upset. He knows everything that I'm going through and understands my weakness. So when I break down and lose all hope, he just patiently sits with me and waits for me to trust again. In my weakness He is strong.
So, once again, I am standing firm in faith that God will not only be with us always, but that he will heal our son. Until he makes any other decision known to us, I will continue to cherish every moment I get with my precious little guy. I will believe he is comforted by my songs and stories. I will love every little kick and wiggle I am able to experience. I will praise God for blessing us with his life. (I've been thinking about how sad it is that so many parents abort their sick babies. They have no idea what they are missing out on!) Not too long ago, a friend of mine was making a comment about how you don't stop talking to a person just because they could die in a car accident or such. Her point was that no one knows when their life will end. So I am going to live as if Samuel will be with us forever. I don't know the date of his death anymore than I know mine or Bryan's. And, if Bryan were dying would I stop living a full life with him? Would I sit and wallow in pity and loss instead of celebrating every moment with him? No way! So is it with Samuel. *Who, by the way, is the most cute, smart and precious baby to ever be : )
Thank you, Jesus, for the strength to carry on. Thank you for the peace that only You can provide. Thank you for the joy that fills my heart when I spend time with my sweet boy. Thank you for never leaving us. Thank you for every second I get with Samuel. You are the author of life and I ask you for a complete healing and restoration of his body. I know you can do all things. I will do my best to believe it with all my heart; no matter what.