Today is a bad day. For the past few days I've been living in la la land (aka denial-vill). For some reason I figured if I just acted as if he is fine, he would be (I keep confusing faith that God can heal with faith He will heal). My mom convinced me to pick out a crib and decorate the nursery. Obviously, that was a bad plan. But, as a pregnant mommy, I want to plan and prepare for him SO BADLY. So, I've been pouring myself into blogs and photos and such on how to create the perfect room for my precious boy. I have it perfectly planned out in my head. My mom and dad offered to buy us a crib if we would just pick one out. We found a beautiful antique-looking ivory crib with carved edges. It's perfect. I went up to the cities yesterday to meet them and pick it up. I found the perfect bedding too. All the way home, I told Samuel about his crib and how, when he was born, he would get to sleep in it. Bryan was hesitant to go along with the room planning, but he lovingly allowed me to continue. He put the crib together while I took pictures. Once it was together, I stood over it and pictured my beautiful baby sleeping inside. I loved it. Early this morning, I woke up excited with all sorts of ideas on how to continue working on his room. I spent a good portion of the day out at stores looking for those "perfect" items to make the room his. I found nothing. Partly, it's because Mankato shopping sucks, but mostly I believe it's because my logical brain was trying to overcome my denial. It kept trying to say "he will never use any of these things". I finally gave up and went home. I feel so tired. I think it's because it's hard to live in denial when the truth is always with you. I tried to take a nap but couldn't. When Bryan came home, he gave me a book someone at his work had given him. It's a book I've been wanting to read called "I Will Carry You". it's about a woman and her family who learn their daughter will not live beyond the pregnancy, but choose to carry her anyways. I started reading it right away. I got to a part where she has just recently learned her baby is sick, she is in her car and she just starts screaming and hitting the wheel. I lost it. I know that exact feeling. I've been burying those feelings down for days now and they couldn't stay hidden. I'm so angry and hurt and confused and sick and tired and lost. What is going on God?!? Why is it us? WHY???!!
I'm doing my very best to be strong. How long
can I keep it up? Why God! Why does it seem like every crappy person on
earth has their baby? Why do I see parents dragging their kids along
beside them, screaming at them, telling them to shut up? Why do I see
teenagers with their designer boots and jeans and iphones and babies??
I will never stop believing in God and His power to heal. But I sure would like to see some proof of it...NOW, PLEASE!
Tomorrow will be another day.