Thursday, January 5, 2012

My heart

Yesterday was terrible. However, after sleep, some food and some time to think I've come to realize a few things. Let me see if I can explain. When someone important to you is very sick and dying, all you want (the only thing) if for them to be well again. It is all that goes through your mind at most times.You can be the most rational person alive and you will find yourself considering any and all notions of how you can "fix" the situation. I love Samuel. Probably more than any other person on earth. He is the love of my life and I want NOTHING more than for him to be ok. I dream of holding him and kissing him and rocking him and feeding him. I dream of how he might be funny, or sneaky, or serious, or sweet. I dream of watching him while he plays. Everyday with him, I grow closer to the idea of him and would do anything to keep him. But I don't get to keep him. I hate that. But for the sake of my current and eventual sanity, I need to come to some kind of peace about it. So does Bryan. We need to focus on enjoying each and every moment with him while also saying "goodbye for now". We both believe in heaven. We know that the goal of anyone who loves and follows Jesus is to end up with Him in heaven forever. If we truly believe that, then why would we beg Him to keep Samuel here when he could instead be in the perfect place? *Do not misunderstand and think for one second that I don't want him*. This world is broken. God did not make our baby sick. I would assume He hates what is happening to him. As far as I can tell, He never once promised that we would be without pain or sadness in this world. He DID promise to always be with us. To comfort us in our trouble and give us hope.

I realized last night that every time we start to put more hope in him being healed, without any real reason to, we only set ourselves up to fall harder when the facts of the situation are shown to us again. I can't keep doing that! More than anyone else, I want God to touch my baby and heal his every need. And, if He would decide to do so, I will never stop praising Him for it. But that's not the God I know. So, instead of begging God to heal my son ,instead of constantly stressing out over whether or not I'm doing enough to "convince" God to touch him, I'm  going to praise Him for the time I get to spend with Samuel. I'm going to pray that God keeps Samuel from any/all physical pain here on earth. I'm going to pray for unending joy in his tiny precious heart. I'm also going to pray for strength to face this life without him, and a renewing hope that I WILL be with him again.

If you feel led to pray for healing, then please, by all means, continue to do so. But for my sake, for Bryan's sake, allow us to prepare our hearts to lose him. Help us instead to focus on the time we get to have Samuel. Don't even let it cross your mind that I've given up hope or I'm not doing what I should for Samuel. God is not a vending machine; I can't simply throw in my prayer and push the magic button and expect healing to come. God knows my heart. That is enough.

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