1lb, 3oz. I guess it's the cheeseburgers :)

What a great day! We met our new team in Mankato and it was good. When we arrived and sat down with the nurse, I noticed the ring she was wearing was covered in words about God. I thought, "She is a believer!" As we got to talking, she asked us how she might know us (she thought we looked familiar.) We came to realize that she lives right down the street from us and attends the church we went to when we first moved to Mankato. How cool? Since we are new patients, she asked us to describe what was going on with Samuel. We told the story and I told her that we are not accepting the expected outcome. We believe God is bigger than the diagnosis and are praying for a complete healing miracle. She said she would pray for him and believe with us. (You don't believe God is looking out for us? He clearly is!!) We then met the doctor and he was very nice. He ordered a glucose test for me and I drank the orange drink (I don't know why people complain so much...it was fine). Then, we got to see our little Samuel. Just as active as ever, moving around and his little heart just beating away! (165 bpm) Then he took some measurements and told us he was 1lb and 3oz. Not too shabby for a baby they said would die 2 months ago!!!

So, at this point, God + Samuel = 1, science + doctors = 0. I love it!

After the ultrasound, Bryan had to go back to work (he only had to take off an hour instead of a half day) and I went to sit and wait for my glucose blood draw.Our nurse, Mary Grace, told me to come back to the office after they were done.  After it was finished,  I went back to meet with her and she prayed over me and Samuel. God is so awesome! I have complete peace about my baby. God is in control. It's been a day of great reminders of just how much He loves us and how much people care about our precious little guy.

After I got home, another favorite friend of mine came by to drop off a beautiful blanket someone at church had made for Samuel. Wow, we are SO cared for! Thank you Jesus!

Here is a song I remembered while I was driving home:

I will love You, Lord always
Not just for the things You've done for me
And I will praise You all my days
Not just for the change You've made in me
I'll praise you for You are holy, Lord
And I'll lift my hands, but You are worthy of so much more

For You are awesome, God of the Nations,
Lion of Judah, Rock of the Ages, Alpha, Omega
You're worthy of all praise
More that these hands I'll raise
I'll live a life of praise

I will serve You Lord, always for You are my strength
When I am weak
I will never be afraid for You are my rock and You protect me
But I'll praise You for You are holy, Lord
And I'll lift my hands, but You are worthy of so much more

So, appointment...we meet again...

We've all seen those TV shows/movies where two long-lost nemeses finally face each other and one of them says "so, we meet again", then all sorts of havoc ensues. This is how I've been conditioned to feel about appointments. It was probably inevitable based on the horrific nature of my last 23 or so. (give or take on the quantity). Typically, on an appointment day, and usually the day prior, I begin to have this feeling. Like something dreary is about to happen. It starts with a nervous twinge in my stomach and works itself up to my cognition: "Tomorrow is an appointment, do you think he will be ok?" Then, I start questioning all movement I've been feeling. "Maybe I don't really know what it feels like when he moves". "What if,all this time I've just been convincing myself he's moving but I really just ate something strange?". And so on and so forth until I can't sleep and I cry and beg and can't think of anything else.

For the last appointment, I had peace. I didn't have the "night before stress" and I was calm and just kept telling myself, "God is in control and Samuel will be alive". We haven't had an appointment in almost a month. So, despite my best efforts to be a perfect example of how to live in faith and not let anything concern me, I woke up this morning at 6:30 with that all too familuar pang..."today's an appointment" (insert snarl and "stare-down-my-nemesis" face"). Quickly, I decided to turn back to God for help. "God, today is an appointment and I need you!" Once again, I was reminded that He is in control. I have so very little control over this situation (almost none) and when I try to gain more, I just end up with doubt, confusion and hurt. So, I handed it back to Him. "God, you take this mess!" "Please, make it in to something beautiful and keep my anxiety from hindering your plan". As I lay in bed, still under my covers, I noticed a red blinking light coming from my phone. It was a text from one of my favorite friends. The text said "I hope this doesn't wake you!" (it was from 4:30am - her baby girl is due any day now, so she doesn't sleep much). "I was just reading my Bible and came across a cool, simple verse I wanted to share with you". The verse is 1 Samuel 2:26. "The boy Samuel was very much alive, growing up, and blessed by God."  She finished saying, "Just a sweet reminder that God is taking care of your Samuel."

Wow, how awesome is it when God speaks to you right when you need it the most? Simultaneously, how awesome when God uses people who love Him to help you as well? I love it! God is with our Samuel and He is in control.

In Luke 8:50, Jesus said, "Don't be afraid; just believe." He was referring to a father's concern for his sick and dying daughter. I'm going to face today unafraid. I don't need to worry about the appointment because God is in control. He already knows exactly what will happen in Samuel's story and that's all that matters. Today, I get to see my son again! That's what I'm going to focus on.

Bryan just came back in to say goodbye as he is leaving for work. He's feeling a bit anxious too. We talked a bit about how it's ok to have those feelings. We are human and we fear the unknown. (We realized, even Jesus himself was nervous as he prayed before his betrayal). It's not the nervousness that's wrong; it's when you allow those feelings to take over that you have a problem. God is the God of hope! 1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you". He also says in Philippians 4:6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." So that's what I'm doing.

God, you know why I feel this way as I prepare for an appointment. You understand my anxiety. But you also have told me not to worry and not to hold anxiety in my heart, so I've giving it to you. You love Samuel even more than I do and so I know you want only the best for him and us. Please, Lord, give me peace as we walk through this! Thank you for never leaving us. 

More to come later today... our appointment (look, I can say it without sneering!) is at 1pm.

Samuel's Room :)

So, with the exception of the bedding, his room is done! *We ordered the bedding, it came in and guess what? It was European sized (aka too small).  Really? Who does that happen to?  US! (it was "fun" to watch my mom and Bryan try to convince me that it was supposed to be 6 inches too short in all directions.)

Thank you to my dad for painting and mom buying him so many great things! Thank you to Andrea and Jesse for applying the verse! To Hannah and Rachel for cute books and toys! To Soren for testing out the room to make sure it was good enough :) and to Bryan for all his painting, building, arranging, rearranging, cleaning, measuring and continual patience with my constant impulses/ideas/shopping sprees.

Here are some before and during photos:

Dresser before - gray paint

His room before, as a guest room

Me and Samuel, supervising from the chair :)

Changing table, almost done!

shelves, unpainted

Bryan and my mom hanging curtains

My dad, painting

Changing table, before - black paint

painted drawers

Before painting

paper for frames

frames for his name

assembling the crib

Finished room!

On the door to his room

lamb mobile. The bear blankie is a place holder until the bedding comes in.

The appointment shuffle.

Bryan and I have been thinking, if we are expecting a miracle, then we should have a local doctor and a normal birth plan. So, yesterday, I called one of the awesome nurses in Rochester and she helped me find a good doctor in Mankato. She also spoke with our usual doctor and he agreed that we could see him every other appointment. This way, we have a local doctor who knows our case and can be there if we need more immediate care, but we also have the experts in Rochester to oversee our care. He also said we don't need to come in as often, as long as I'm feeling Samuel move. So we decided on two appointments a month; one in Mankato and one in Rochester. I like this new plan. For starters, Rochester is FAR away. Especially when all we do is drive two hours, walk in, do a 5 minute ultrasound, walk out, and then drive two hours back home! Since they are not doing any treatment, it really doesn't make sense for us to keep going there so often. Also, now Bryan won't have to take a half day off every week. So, with all that set up, we see our new doctor on Tuesday. It will be almost three weeks since our last appointment by the time we go back in. It's been both nice and odd not to go in all the time. I've also decided I'm done taking our bags with us each appointment. No thanks! Jesus said in Matthew 21:22, "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” So, no more sad bag-packing for me!

The nursery is almost done. We just need a few finishing touches. I love it! It's my new favorite place to spend time. Me and Samuel listen to music, read, pray and sing (I do the singing) together in his room. We talk about how I'm going to hold him and play with him and kiss him and rock him and love him forever. I remembered a quote from Monica on Friends when she is holding her new baby boy: "I'm going to love you so much no woman will ever be good enough for you!" While that's not exactly what I want for him, you get the idea. :)  We have also been talking about how, after he's born, he is going to wear cute clothes and diapers, sleep in his crib (if I decide to put him down ever) and play with toys. We can't wait!

Please keep praying with us. Thank you to the faithful friends who still set aside time each day at 8:30pm to pray for him. We know God is listening and we won't stop asking for a miracle until we know His answer!

"Mama"

Last night, I had a dream about Samuel. It was a nightmare, but there was a moment of pure joy within it as well.

He was born and it was Christmas time. He was a toddler. Since dreams don't always make sense, he had some type of deformity on his shoulder and back. When people went to hold him, they would gasp and say "did you know about this?" and "I don't want to see that!" I would pull him away and hold him tight. I didn't care about it...I loved him!

I got a really good look at his face. He looked just like his daddy! He had big blue eyes that were sparkling and full of joy. He had such a big smile and he was so happy! In the dream, I knew he was sick and he might die soon. We were at a family holiday party and there were tons of my relatives there. I kept asking people around me with cameras to take lots of pictures and video of him (since I had this feeling he might not be around much longer). But each time I would ask them to, they would just pretend to take it and then move on to something else. I kept asking to see the photos and when I got the camera it was just pictures of other things. I was so sad and hurt! The weird part was that people kept wanting to hold him so I didn't get him. Finally, I got really upset and pulled him away. He looked at me and said "mama". It was the most precious thing I had ever heard (I get a little emotional just remembering it - ok, a lot emotional). I held him close and cried because it felt like I was the only person who valued him. I woke up crying because the emotions were so strong. I haven't had such a vivid dream in a long time. All day long I keep remembering his face. So sweet and innocent and completely full of love and joy. I can still hear the little "mama" he said when I picked him up. My heart is heavy with the longing I have to keep him. I would trade anything for him. I would go to the ends of the earth if I thought it would save him.

Tonight's bed time story was from a book I recently purchased. It's called "Kingdom Parables". Its Biblical parables told as animal stories. It's very cute! The story tonight was based on the "the Persistent Widow" from Luke 18:1-7. Its about asking God for your desires until he answers you. Jesus tells his followers to pray continuously and never give up. Perfect timing! I've been praying almost constantly every day. I told God He is going to have to fight me for Samuel because I have every intention of keeping him! How comforting to know Jesus commented on that very persistence. I will not give up until I get an answer!!

Tomorrow, my parents are coming to help us finish (or mostly finish) the nursery. It's coming along and I love it! They very generously purchased him/me a very comfortable upholstered rocking/swivel chair and I love to spend time each day sitting in his room, rocking him, reading to him, listening to music and praying.

Samuel, mommy loves you so much! You are my precious little guy ~xoxo~

Appointment change

Since Samuel is still active, I've cancelled our appointment Friday and moved it to Wednesday the 25th.  I'll be 23 weeks on Saturday. He is living up to his middle name (Evan); he is a fighter!

Thanks to everyone who continues to pray every day for him. We know God is hearing these prayers as we ask for a miracle healing and restoration. Please also pray for me as I try to be strong through this. Sometimes the emotions just catch up with me and I can't keep them in check. I found this song last night and it's my cry to God right now. We are believing in a miraculas God, but I keep thinking, "how long do I have to wait to see it?!"

God, give me courage and peace to keep going in faith. Thank you Jesus for holding me close. 

 

A love song from Samuel ; )

To know you, is to want to know you more.

There are three people the title refers to:

1. Bryan - This morning, Bryan and I met with a Marriage and Family Therapist. Not because we are having any marriage issues, but to talk about this time in our lives and how it's affecting us. It was good. We told Samuel's story - what's been written so far - and were able to get an outside perspective on how we are working through our grief/hope journey. It was a good reminder that Bryan and I need each other to get through this. Tomorrow is our three-year anniversary. For one thing, wow...that was a quick three years! For another, I wouldn't trade my life with him for anything. He is the right one for me and I'm constantly reminded of it. I am more in love with him today than ever. Even though this time in our lives is challenging/horrible/awesome/joyful/crazy/unknown/scary, we both are secure in our love for each other. We absolutely know we will never leave each other to handle this alone. What a comfort to know you are so loved! Bryan, I love you forever. XOXO

2. Samuel - Even though I can't get to know him in the same way I will once he's born, I'm learning about who he is and I keep falling more in love with him. Here are some things I know about him.  He is definitely Bryan's son; He loves Mexican food. Now for me, it's good, but not something I want all the time. For Samuel, just like daddy, at least a few times a week would be just fine with him!  Also, he LOVES meat. I'm not saying this lightly. Before he came along, I did like meat, but not in the same way Samuel does. He would be happy as a clam if I would only eat some type of red meat. Hamburgers, yep! Steaks, yep! Ribs, yep! And none of this "sissy" meat, no sir. Chicken, eh...I'm good. Turkey, take it or leave it. But red meat... oh baby!! Where did he learn to love red meat so much? Before him, I had a burger maybe 1-3 times per year. Since he came about, it's all I can think about. Yep, he definitely likes red meat. I remember when I was pretty early on and we were out for a walk when suddenly, out of the blue, I was like "I really need a whopper from BK right now". Now, at that point I had not had one for at least a few years, so, clearly, this was Samuel's first attempt at sharing his love of meat. Little did I know...

Next, he loves daddy's bed time stories. When daddy reads to him, he wiggles and squirms and kicks all over the place. He loves his daddy!

I have also learned that he is just like me when it comes to bed time. Oh man, there is nothing like staying up all night and sleeping in all morning. Ahhh. None of this "getting up early" business. If we have to get up early, he is begging for a nap around 11am. His favorite time of day to "request" a nap is 3pm. He and I are going to get along just fine if he continues this pattern!

Finally, he loves music. Especially at church. During worship, he is moving all around (I guess he is dancing!) We turn on music during the day and he just loves it. He even likes daddy and mommy's singing. Although I'm sure it won't be long until he figures out what key the song should  be sung in. Oh well!

Samuel, I can't wait to know more about you. I love you! xoxo


3. God - The more I read about who He really is, the more I want to know. Why are Christians so wrong so often about who He is? It's like they pick up on tiny little details and then fill in their own versions of the rest. God is very clear about who He is and what He does. All you have to do is actually look! (Who knew!?) I've been reading the gospels in an attempt to really understand who Jesus is and what he is offering/expecting of us. The more I read, the more I realize I'm not right about a lot of what I've come to believe about him. If you have a negative view of Him, you don't know Him. And, sadly, it's probably the result of crap "Christians" do in His name. Gross. Good thing He is loving and forgiving!

 ___________________

On a totally different note, our next appointment is scheduled for Friday. Since he is so active, I'm thinking of moving it back a week. Keep on kicking, my little Samuel :)

Nothing without You

His mercies are new every morning

Wow, I am all over the place emotionally. Every few days, I lose it and have a terrible day. Then, because God is with me and people are praying for me, I pick myself back up and get a second wind. (A good night's sleep doesn't hurt either!)

After a day of freaking out and crying for hours on end, I thought I wouldn't be able to make it through another second of this. But the very next day I was refreshed and ready to face life again. His mercy is new every morning. (Thank you Jesus!) The unknown is always scary. Even more so is the future you THINK is going to happen, if it's looking bleak. I know I seem to go back and forth on this. The truth is, I do. So much for being an unwavering person. Such is my life right now. I'm back to believing God will heal my baby. I don't think I ever stopped, I just got side tracked and sad. Usually, I feel really bad after moments (days) of unbelief. "Well, God is never going to help us now!" But I'm wrong. I keep saying it, maybe one day I'll believe it : God knows my heart. He knows my deepest desire is to keep this baby. I want him healed completely so I can raise him and love him all his life. Even in my weakness and moments of doubt, he knows this is what I want. So I will not lose heart.

Today at church, our pastor was speaking on preparing for "A God Visit". One passage he noted was Mark 4:35-41. Jesus and his disciples are traveling in a boat. Jesus goes to sleep below deck while a great storm brews and threatens the safety of all on board. Every person begins to freak out and scream for Jesus. They can't believe he is sleeping and beg him for help. Jesus calmly walks to the side of the boat, reaches out his hand and calms the storm. (In my head I imagine him yawning and walking right back to bed.) For God, nothing is a surprise and nothing is outside his control. He had no reason to be concerned; he knew he could fix it.

What stands out to me is how often the disciples freak out about things that Jesus could easily handle. They, more than any other person, knew who he was and what he could do, but still they could so quickly become distressed. So, I ask myself, what does this mean for me? Jesus is not afraid of our moments of distress or questioning. He is big enough to handle me freaking out and getting upset. He knows everything that I'm going through and understands my weakness. So when I break down and lose all hope, he just patiently sits with me and waits for me to trust again. In my weakness He is strong.

So, once again, I am standing firm in faith that God will not only be with us always, but that he will heal our son. Until he makes any other decision known to us, I will continue to cherish every moment I get with my precious little guy. I will believe he is comforted by my songs and stories. I will love every little kick and wiggle I am able to experience. I will praise God for blessing us with his life. (I've been thinking about how sad it is that so many parents abort their sick babies. They have no idea what they are missing out on!) Not too long ago, a friend of mine was making a comment about how you don't stop talking to a person just because  they could die in a car accident or such. Her point was that no one knows when their life will end. So I am going to live as if Samuel will be with us forever. I don't know the date of his death anymore than I know mine or Bryan's. And, if Bryan were dying would I stop living a full life with him? Would I sit and wallow in pity and loss instead of celebrating every moment with him? No way! So is it with Samuel. *Who, by the way, is the most cute, smart and precious baby to ever be : )

Thank you, Jesus, for the strength to carry on. Thank you for the peace that only You can provide. Thank you for the joy that fills my heart when I spend time with my sweet boy. Thank you for never leaving us. Thank you for every second I get with Samuel. You are the author of life and I ask you for a complete healing and restoration of his body. I know you can do all things. I will do my best to believe it with all my heart; no matter what.

A bad day

Today is a bad day. For the past few days I've been living in la la land (aka denial-vill). For some reason I figured if I just acted  as if he is fine, he would be (I keep confusing faith that God can heal with faith He will heal).  My mom convinced me to pick out a crib and decorate the nursery. Obviously, that was a bad plan. But, as a pregnant mommy, I want to plan and prepare for him SO BADLY. So, I've been pouring myself into blogs and photos and such on how to create the perfect room for my precious boy. I have it perfectly planned out in my head. My mom and dad offered to buy us a crib if we would just pick one out. We found a beautiful antique-looking ivory crib with carved edges. It's perfect. I went up to the cities yesterday to meet them and pick it up. I found the perfect bedding too. All the way home, I told Samuel about his crib and how, when he was born, he would get to sleep in it. Bryan was hesitant to go along with the room planning, but he lovingly allowed me to continue. He put the crib together while I took pictures. Once it was together, I stood over it and pictured my beautiful baby sleeping inside. I loved it. Early this morning, I woke up excited with all sorts of ideas on how to continue working on his room. I spent a good portion of the day out at stores looking for those "perfect" items to make the room his. I found nothing. Partly, it's because Mankato shopping sucks, but mostly I believe it's because my logical brain was trying to overcome my denial. It kept trying to say "he will never use any of these things". I finally gave up and went home. I feel so tired. I think it's because it's hard to live in denial when the truth is always with you. I tried to take a nap but couldn't. When Bryan came home, he gave me a book someone at his work had given him. It's a book I've been wanting to read called "I Will Carry You". it's about a woman and her family who learn their daughter will not live beyond the pregnancy, but choose to carry her anyways. I started reading it right away. I got to a part where she has just recently learned her baby is sick, she is in her car and she just starts screaming and hitting the wheel. I lost it. I know that exact feeling. I've been burying those feelings down for days now and they couldn't stay hidden. I'm so angry and hurt and confused and sick and tired and lost. What is going on God?!? Why is it us? WHY???!!

I'm doing my very best to be strong. How long can I keep it up? Why God! Why does it seem like every crappy person on earth has their baby? Why do I see parents dragging their kids along beside them, screaming at them, telling them to shut up? Why do I see teenagers with their designer boots and jeans and iphones and babies?? WHY?

I will never stop believing in God and His power to heal. But I sure would like to see some proof of it...NOW, PLEASE!

Tomorrow will be another day.

Peace that passes all understanding

God has given me peace. I am doing my best for Samuel and I will continue to do so for as long as I get to keep him. I've had a few bad days in the last week  (the woman who stole my parking spot got an earful!!), but I've also had some good days. So many people have reached out to us to show us they are with us on this journey. I guess people know my love language is gifts, because we have received so many of them over the past few weeks. I beautiful basket of bath salts, bubbles, etc., flowers, candy, cookies, a lovingly hand-made blanket and framed artwork. Each gift is not only thoughtful, but helps me to focus on the love surrounding us. One friend even sent me a box of my favorite TV shows on DVD! How precious to have people who love you! I hope and pray Samuel feels that love everyday. I still want him so much it hurts! Both Bryan and I are working on telling him about different things in life. He has learned about animals, sports (I'll let you guess who told him about that), family, our wedding, trucks and cars, seasons, and so many other things. I pray that God shows him these things as we talk about them. Daddy even made up a story for him!

We got a visit from my aunt Lea for a couple days as well. She generously offered to cook us a meal (nothing compares to having someone bring/make you a meal when you're worn out) and to help me make Samuel an outfit for the hospital. It was nice to have a project to focus on, and now I feel like he has something special to wear if he comes in the next few weeks.

This week  I've really  wanted to understand more about God and the possibility of Him healing Samuel. I've found so many passages in the Bible that speak of Jesus performing healing miracles. I asked myself, "what does this mean for us?" In most every story, the person is healed simply by asking God to do so. Jesus' response is typically something like "I will because of your faith". So I've been thinking, is the reason we don't see healing much anymore because we don't really believe He can do it? I don't know the answer but I can tell you this much, if all it takes for Samuel to be healed is my absolute faith that Jesus can do it, then I WILL believe! Like I've said before, God has not promised us He will heal Samuel, but, until He decides, I will ask for healing and believe He can do it. As our pastor pointed out to us, it's like the story of shadrach meshach and abednego (sp?). They tell the king, "Our God can save us!, but even if he doesn't we still won't bow down to your gods". We don't know what will happen with our precious little guy, but we know God can save him. Even if He doesn't we will still praise Him because we don't get to see the whole picture. We can't possibly know His plans.

For now, once again, I'll keep my focus on loving my tiny little Samuel. I have a little song I sing to him (tune of "Silver Bells") that goes:

Samuel...Samuel...
mommy and daddy are with you.
Samuel...Samuel...
we love you more than you know!

Thank you all for continuing to support us! We can't thank you enough.

My heart

Yesterday was terrible. However, after sleep, some food and some time to think I've come to realize a few things. Let me see if I can explain. When someone important to you is very sick and dying, all you want (the only thing) if for them to be well again. It is all that goes through your mind at most times.You can be the most rational person alive and you will find yourself considering any and all notions of how you can "fix" the situation. I love Samuel. Probably more than any other person on earth. He is the love of my life and I want NOTHING more than for him to be ok. I dream of holding him and kissing him and rocking him and feeding him. I dream of how he might be funny, or sneaky, or serious, or sweet. I dream of watching him while he plays. Everyday with him, I grow closer to the idea of him and would do anything to keep him. But I don't get to keep him. I hate that. But for the sake of my current and eventual sanity, I need to come to some kind of peace about it. So does Bryan. We need to focus on enjoying each and every moment with him while also saying "goodbye for now". We both believe in heaven. We know that the goal of anyone who loves and follows Jesus is to end up with Him in heaven forever. If we truly believe that, then why would we beg Him to keep Samuel here when he could instead be in the perfect place? *Do not misunderstand and think for one second that I don't want him*. This world is broken. God did not make our baby sick. I would assume He hates what is happening to him. As far as I can tell, He never once promised that we would be without pain or sadness in this world. He DID promise to always be with us. To comfort us in our trouble and give us hope.

I realized last night that every time we start to put more hope in him being healed, without any real reason to, we only set ourselves up to fall harder when the facts of the situation are shown to us again. I can't keep doing that! More than anyone else, I want God to touch my baby and heal his every need. And, if He would decide to do so, I will never stop praising Him for it. But that's not the God I know. So, instead of begging God to heal my son ,instead of constantly stressing out over whether or not I'm doing enough to "convince" God to touch him, I'm  going to praise Him for the time I get to spend with Samuel. I'm going to pray that God keeps Samuel from any/all physical pain here on earth. I'm going to pray for unending joy in his tiny precious heart. I'm also going to pray for strength to face this life without him, and a renewing hope that I WILL be with him again.

If you feel led to pray for healing, then please, by all means, continue to do so. But for my sake, for Bryan's sake, allow us to prepare our hearts to lose him. Help us instead to focus on the time we get to have Samuel. Don't even let it cross your mind that I've given up hope or I'm not doing what I should for Samuel. God is not a vending machine; I can't simply throw in my prayer and push the magic button and expect healing to come. God knows my heart. That is enough.

Strong Enough, Matthew West

Strong enough?

Apparently, God thinks I'm stronger than I actually am. I know He is with me because I have not laid down to die in a hole somewhere. I want to, but I don't. It was another sleepless night last night. Can you understand the stress and pressure of begging and pleading with God for hours on end? Please! God! Let us keep him! Let his body be whole again! Save us from this!! How can I sleep? Yesterday, we went to our church and a few of the pastors and other members prayed with us. Samuel was wiggling so much the whole time! I've only felt him move a few times and this was one of the most prominent times. So, for that moment, we knew he was still with us.

This morning, we once again packed all of our bags into the car and headed to Rochester. God's grace allowed me to get through the ride, but once we parked I broke down. This could be the day I have to say goodbye to my love. WHAT IS GOD DOING TO US!?! I finally pulled it together and we took the walk to the office. We sit silently in the waiting room while all the other mommies sit with their big bellies and their baby magazines and their no cares in the world. Since I had felt him the night before, we assumed he would be ok, but, as per our new usual, we knew we had to prepare ourselves for the worst. Finally, we made it back to the room and I climbed back on to the table. His heart is still beating! *HUGE SIGH* Ok, now what... any improvements?     No. In fact, his bladder has ruptured and caused his abdomen to collapse. Oh, ok, I'll file that under "perfectly legitimate reasons to have a mental breakdown someday".  I hate everyone again today. WHAT ON EARTH IS HAPPENING.

I'm so tired. I don't know how I can keep doing this. At some point, I'm assuming my heart will just say "I give up" and my brain will agree. It feels like someone went digging through the pile of pieces of my broken heart, found the biggest fragment and threw it to the ground.

How many times can I look at my baby, his little heart beating away, his body wiggling and moving about all while knowing it doesn't mean he's going to live? False hope is terrible.

Everyone keeps telling me "God can heal him!" I think they have forgotten that can and will are two very different things.Also, if one more person tells me that God will use this for His glory, I will punch them in the face.

Life goes on for everyone else. I guess for us too. Our next appointment is on Wednesday next week.