Broken

My heart has been very heavy the past few days. I miss my baby. Deeply. I try to imagine what he would be doing or what he would look like. In my mind, I try to play out my days with him. It's all for naught. He's gone and I will never know life on earth with him.

It's so quiet in our house all the time. I try to imagine the sounds that should be filling our home with joy and love. There is always something missing. A cry, a babble, a banging toy, a giggle, a story, a song; all things not happening at our house every day. Too much silence. 

I miss him so much.

After the tragedy on Friday, I thought about the world we live in. Babies dying, children dying, parents/friends/family members dying. This life is so broken.

I read post after post on FB about how everyone was so sad and how they were going to hold their children close that night. All I could think was, why does it take a horrific tragedy to make people realize their children's worth? I would be hugging Samuel close every single moment I could. (Although I'm sure he would be pushing me away already in favor of the nearest toy).

I'm just very sad.

I'm so sad for those involved. I'm sad for the parents who are devastated beyond consolation right now. I'm sad that, for now, they will have tons of love and support, but it won't be long until it all goes away and they'll be left alone to try to live this nightmare. (I wonder how long it'll be before they get their first "it's time to get over this"?) I'm sad for the surviving children who were there. They are traumatized. Their childhoods have been stolen from them. I'm sad for the families of the adults who were killed because they seem to be overlooked because of the children. They were someone's baby too. I'm sad for all the parents who lost babies and children that same day but didn't get flags lowered for their little ones or  photos on every news channel. I wish every mama and daddy who loses a baby/child would get the attention and sadness this has brought about. Every life ended too soon is tragic. No matter how or when or why. Babies and children should never die. When they do, it's heartbreaking. Every baby/child that dies deserves memorials and vigils and public acknowledgment. Yet so many deaths go unnoticed. I guess people just want to pretend it doesn't happen every single day.

Mostly, I'm sad because it's just further proof that this world is a mess.

I'm so tired of this life.I'm tired of being without him. I'm tired of trying to pick of the pieces. I'm tired of trying to figure out where to go from here.

Bryan and I can't seem to figure out what to do this coming weekend/week. When we decided to not celebrate the holiday, we forgot that we'll still have to do something on those days he has off. Everything we try to plan just falls apart. The more we push to make something happen, the more we realize we both just want to fast forward to January first. (Better yet, to the day we go to sleep forever and wake up in heaven). Nothing feels right because nothing is right. When there is supposed to be a baby in Christmas jammies ripping open presents along side you, and he's not there, nothing can be right.

I hope the next two weeks go quickly.

Please hold every parent missing their little love in your heart as you celebrate. Not everyone will be having a merry Christmas.