Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Christmas without him

It's just after midnight and Christmas is finally over.

Thank. Goodness.

It's been so sad, so empty, and so meaningless for us. There is not a moment where we're not imagining the immense joy that should have been.  He should have been dressed in his adorable little suit with a tiny bow tie. He should have been scooting around under the tree in amazement of lights and all sorts of pretty things. He should have been tasting mashed potatoes and yams and maybe just a tiny lick of a holiday treat. We should have been so full of love and joy and contentment.

We should have been sharing our lives with the one we love so much.

But we're not and it's been heartbreaking.

We had this big plan to go away to some tropical destination and pretend we had no idea what this "Christmas" thing was. But after many attempts, nothing worked out. So, instead, we decided to go to Minneapolis for a couple days. Before all this sadness and mess, Bryan and I loved to get away for little weekend trips all the time. We would just pack a bag, book a hotel and get outta town for some fun and relaxation. I probably don't need to tell you that hasn't happened in a long time.

We knew being home would be too sad, so we packed up and headed for a few days of being in the city. We make reservations all over the city at new restaurants and planned to just hide in the crowds for at least a little while. The hotel was very nice and wasn't very busy so we didn't have to face tons of happy families. We chose "adult" restaurants and didn't run in to any children. It was good. It helped us remember that we can enjoy our time alone together, even if we're always missing our little Samuel. We talked a lot, ate some amazing food - Masa is super yummy! - and watched a lot of cable (we don't have it at home). All in all, it was nice to get away.

We came home last night. We wanted to be alone at home for the actual day so we could read the notes/cards from people who had done good in Samuel's name. We decided to set up the small tree Bryan usually uses in his man cave for sports-related ornaments in the living room and decorate it for Samuel. Just like almost everything we do for him, it was bittersweet. It is nice to have a visual reminder of his life but sad to think of what we're missing every day.

This is his little stocking from last year.
When I had asked people to help us make a difference in Samuel's name, I pictured us opening card after card, feeling how special our little guy is, and knowing his life touched the lives of so many others.  I forgot to consider how few people would actually take the time to do anything. We only got  a few cards/notes. I did my very best not to hurt or feel angry. Instead, I decided to feel very grateful for the few very special notes we did get.

To those who participated: Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We sat together this morning and read them. We imagined our baby making life better for others and it warmed our hearts. Thank you for taking the time.

It's starting to settle into our hearts that this is how our lives will always be. So many people just don't care enough about others. It's just the way it is. We have realized this past year who our friends are (and are not!). We have realized how selfish and thoughtless people can be. But we've also realized there are some people who will follow you into the depths of hell and hold your hand while doing so. Those people mean the world to us. The rest will soon be forgotten.

To end on a nice note, Bryan and I both broke our "we don't want any presents" agreement and got each other a few small gifts. I guess we both just love each other too much to let it go unnoticed. He got me a box of truffle chocolates from Samuel. some super yummy smelling bubble bath and a spa gift card. I'm already looking forward to a massage and pedicure. I forget a lot of time to take care of myself. I've been through a lot and need some TLC. He knew it and I love him for it. I got him a gift card to his favorite home improvement store, a new video game, and a book called I love my Daddy! from Samuel. We made the best of this day we could. There were lots of tears and a big nap, but we did the best we could.

I wonder what Samuel did in heaven?

I sure do miss my little guy <3


Here's our Christmas card/birth announcement. Thank you to our good friend, Adrienne, for making this for us.  We love it!!


  1. I'm glad you were able to get away for a little while. I also wanted to thank you for your sweet note for Gabriel's stocking... it was really lovely! I'm SO sorry... I didn't realize you had a similar stocking project for Samuel :(
    I, too was saddened by the number of cards/emails we received from family & friends, but felt so touched that people I've never met in person participated. I hope it's okay that I do my act of kindness in Samuel's memory in the new year.

  2. The card you sent for your precious boy is beautiful. x


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