Yesterday, I was told I'll be a better mother in the future because Samuel died. This brought about 4,755 responses to mind, but let me see if I can organize a few of them to comment. First and foremost: How will you ever know that? I didn't really get the chance to mother Samuel, so how could you possibly say I'll do better in the future? That comments implies there was improvement needed. I feel sad to think this person believes I didn't do enough. Secondly, what am I supposed to say to that comment? "Oh, that's true! I knew there must be a reason! Thank goodness he died so I can parent future children better!" (read with loads of sarcasm). Thirdly, (and nonsensically) it makes me want to purposely parent poorly in the future, if only to show this person how much I loved Samuel and will not allow his death to give someone the right to say "look what a good mommy she is! It must be because she now realizes how valuable kids are". (Which brings me to another point: If I don't realize how valuable kids are, NO one does. This is not a result of his death, but just me knowing this to being with.) Lastly, it implies that I'll have future children to parent better. That's, as I've mentioned previously, no longer a certainty. It's also 407% up to me and Bryan if we even want to try again (so, everyone, please stop asking/commenting about future children). When you go through what we did, you're a bit "gun-shy" (to say the very least). (Nothing says "maybe we weren't supposed to be parents" like the death of your first child.)
Oh how ill-considered comments can throw me for a loop now... I have enough to think about without someone adding to the mix. Now I'll wonder for days if I didn't show my mothering skills well enough in the short time I had. Bryan says I'm overreacting. I guess it's just one of my biggest pet peeves when people say things about me that I have no way of correcting/proving. How can I possibly show this person I would have been a good mother to Samuel? I can't...it's just one more thing I was robbed of. (by-the-by, I thought I was a really good mother to Samuel given the circumstances. *sigh*).
This is just further proof to me that I should just be by myself right now. That way no one can say things I (according to Bryan) take the wrong way.