Monday, June 25, 2012

That's not what they meant...(or so I'm told)

Yesterday, I was told I'll be a better mother in the future because Samuel died. This brought about 4,755 responses to mind, but let me see if I can organize a few of them to comment. First and foremost: How will you ever know that? I didn't really get the chance to mother Samuel, so how could you possibly say I'll do better in the future? That comments implies there was improvement needed. I feel sad to think this person believes I didn't do enough. Secondly, what am I supposed to say to that comment? "Oh, that's true! I knew there must be a reason! Thank goodness he died so I can parent future children better!" (read with loads of sarcasm). Thirdly, (and nonsensically) it makes me want to purposely parent poorly in the future, if only to show this person how much I loved Samuel and will not allow his death to give someone the right to say "look what a good mommy she is! It must be because she now realizes how valuable kids are". (Which brings me to another point: If I don't realize how valuable kids are, NO one does. This is not a result of his death, but just me knowing this to being with.) Lastly, it implies that I'll have future children to parent better. That's, as I've mentioned previously, no longer a certainty. It's also 407% up to me and Bryan if we even want to try again (so, everyone, please stop asking/commenting about future children). When you go through what we did, you're a bit "gun-shy" (to say the very least). (Nothing says "maybe we weren't supposed to be parents" like the death of your first child.)

Oh how ill-considered comments can throw me for a loop now... I have enough to think about without someone adding to the mix. Now I'll wonder for days if I didn't show my mothering skills well enough in the short time I had. Bryan says I'm overreacting. I guess it's just one of my biggest pet peeves when people say things about me that I have no way of correcting/proving. How can I possibly show this person I would have been a good mother to Samuel? I can''s just one more thing I was robbed of. (by-the-by, I thought I was a really good mother to Samuel given the circumstances. *sigh*).

This is just further proof to me that I should just be by myself right now. That way no one can say things I (according to Bryan) take the wrong way.


  1. RaeAnne,

    How can your church family quietly support you? I realize that you want to stay hidden from this world to avoid people's seemingly uncaring remarks or attempts to make you feel better. But we would love to bless you. Can I send someone to come in quietly (as one can) to mow your yard? Weed your gardens?

    Can I personally come and clean your house or me and my sister? We do not need to talk with you or anything except to say, where is the vacuum?

    I am sorry for all your hurt and tears. Nothing and no one can make sense of it for you. There is no sense in it. There is only one day at time. One breathe at a time.

    Counseling may not appear to be helpful at this point, as it cannot give you what you most want...Samuel. But it may help you to learn to breathe easier, sleep better and find the strength to wake up tomorrow. I recommend a counselor names Dave Andros from Freedom Counseling Center.


    I am also sending this to you on facebook, so you can respond easier. Please let us serve you...

  2. Ah, unsolicited comments. Hate them. I had one on my blog the other day (a comment on the "Father's Day" post) and I was glad it wasn't face to face (I don't even know the commenter) because I wouldn't have known what to say. I had to sleep on that one, and I'm still not sure I responded how I wanted to.
    Hugs, friend. You ARE an incredible mother no matter WHAT happens from here on out. You carried that boy and mothered him well for 9 months.

  3. Our neighbor lost a daughter two summers ago, unexpectedly. It was so shocking to hear all the things people said in efforts to console her. People are so uncomfortable with death, but they feel they have to say SOMETHING about it, and its almost always wrong. The reality is, as you've noticed, there is really nothing anyone can say to alleviate your pain, and they can't understand it, either. Grief is so isolating. The one thing I have learned fro. observing our neighbors is that grief changes over tome. They dont forget, or stop being sad, or even "replace" her (they recently had a baby girl, which you can bet brought on a whole bunch of new and inappropriate comments). Somehow, after almost two years, they are starting to think they will see hope again, even though they are forever changed. The whole thong stinks, there's no way around it. Praying for you, that God will knit into you some superhuman resiliency that will allow you to grieve just the way you need to.


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