Before this all happened, I did not believe in miracles happening anymore. When someone would say "such and such miracle happened to me", I'd make the obligatory "that''s wonderful" face and say something about how awesome it was. Inside, I'd be thinking "poor crazy person". I could always find a way to logically explain the event they considered a miracle from God. After Samuel was sick and we were told there were no further medical interventions possible, I found myself in a predicament: I didn't believe in miracles, but I needed one. It was my son's only hope. I decided to look for myself to see if I could find anything in the Bible to support the idea that God would preform a miracle if you needed one. I found verse after verse after verse describing how I could ask in His name, with faith, and it would be done. I decided to put all my effort and faith into those promises. What came from that decision was five months of happiness and joy. Five months of preparing for my healthy boy who would spend his life declaring the awesome power of a loving and real God. (He would be living proof). I spent hours and hours and hours reminding God of His promises and asking for Samuel's complete healing. I asked that his life would be a testimony of God's power and that He would use Samuel to show His love to so many people. I knew how many people were watching his story unfold and how many people were praying right along with us. I had a peace in my heart that can only be attributed to the faith I had in a powerful and loving God. For a mother of a baby with a fatal condition, I probably seemed crazy to so many people. Who creates a nursery for a baby that will never live in it? Who buys every single baby item on earth for a baby that will never use anything? Who plans a shower for a baby that won't live to meet any of the friends who attend? I did. I believed with everything in me that God was going to heal Samuel and use his life to change lots of lives. I had dreams of Samuel as a man, standing in front of a church and talking about how God saved him. I just knew he was going to be an amazing testimony of faith.
I was wrong. God never told me He was going to heal Samuel. I just decided He was going to and that was the end of it.
Now, I'm so hurt and mad and sickened by the whole thing. I don't feel I can trust God. How can the Bible say things so clearly, then not live up to them? If God is loving and merciful, it's news to me right now! He knew exactly how this was going to turn out and, clearly, He had no problem with it ending like this. He had no problem allowing all my prayers and faith to fall on deaf ears. He had no problem with me sitting here, brokenhearted and disgusted, looking like a fool to everyone who heard me say that God was going to heal my baby because He was a powerful and loving God. What a fool am I! I'm sure people did the same thing I used to. As I would tell them he was going to be fine, they'd give my the "oh how wonderful" face and inside just feel sorry for this poor sad woman who was just setting herself up for more heartache.
Now, I sit here unable to trust a God I thought I could trust wholeheartedly. Unlike many people who lose someone dear to them, I am not going to stop believing in God. I know He still exists. But He is not who I thought He was. He is not a loving father like I believed He was. I don't know what He is anymore. What sickens me is that He is holding my baby with Him so I have no choice but to keep on trying to live according to His rules. If I ever want to be with my baby again, I have no choice. To me, that feels really abusive. "I don't have to do anything I said I would, but you have to keep living by my rules if you want to spend eternity with me."
People keep saying they will pray for me. I keep thinking, "good luck with that". I prayed desperately and diligently day and night for months and months and got nothing. If God wants people to believe in Him, a little bit of something to show His presence might help. I try to believe that God gave us more time and that because of our prayers we got to meet Samuel in person, but it just falls flat. There is a verse I found while pregnant that talked about how God wants to give us good gifts. To me, 10 minutes with my baby while he lies on a bed with tubes coming out of every inch of his body is not a good gift. To me, thinking back about how he had to spend over half of his time outside of me in a ambulance, with only strangers, is not a good gift. To me, allowing our dearly loved little bunny to die is not a good gift. What other conclusion can I come to?
God is still God no matter what I think of Him. I know that's true. And I know God doesn't owe me anything. He didn't need to heal Samuel to prove His power. I just really really believed He would and now I'm just hurt so deeply I'm not sure how to recover. I don't trust in His power, I don't trust in His word and I don't trust that He loves me. How can I?
People keep saying that God will heal my heart and bring me through this pain. I can't help but think "If he can do all that, then He could have saved my baby. He didn't, so why should I trust Him to do anything else?"
I find myself in a new phase of life, baby-less and faith-less. It's not where I thought I'd be.