Monday, June 18, 2012

Get over it

Everyone wants me to get over it. They want me to move on with my life and feel happy again. I wonder: What part of this should I "get over"? The fact that my son is dead? The fact that I can never ever go back to being naive about life? The fact that our family will always be incomplete? The fact that everyone else got their babies but I didn't? The fact that despite me putting all my faith in God's ability to heal, He ignored me? The fact that the God who "loves me" so much was totally willing to let me go through this much pain? Which one of those things should I "get over"?

I've been asked a couple times now when we're going to have another baby. The very idea of asking a mom who just lost her baby that question is beyond me. There seems to be this idea that if we could just have another child we'd be fine. I'm not quite sure how that's supposed to work. I guess I didn't realize children are interchangeable; you lose one, you just go get another. Sick. Nothing and no one can ever heal this wound. Samuel is a specific and precious boy. No other baby can take his place in any form. He was my little meat-loving, stay-up-late-sleep-in-all-morning, lover-of-daddy's-story-time, baby. He was my little fighter. He was my little brown eyed boy. Nothing about him is replaceable. He's gone and nothing will ever change that.

People say to me that part of what I'm sad about is that I didn't get to be a mother like I'd planed to. There is some truth to that. But I don't want to be a mom to just anyone. I want to be a mom to Samuel. No one else will do. Why would rushing into having another baby (which, by the way, implies that if you want a baby you just get pregnant and have one. Something I've clearly learned is NOT the case) help me? I don't get it.

Today is a bad day. I just hurt so much. I go over it again and again and I can't make sense of it. Why on earth did this happen? If God is so loving, how could He sit by and just allow it to happen? If "prayer changes things" then what did I do wrong? Now, whenever I hear or read someone saying "I'll pray for you" or something to that effect, I feel sick. I think " you can pray all you want; it won't do anything". I've decided that the purpose of prayer is to help you feel like you have control over situations where you really have none. Nothing will change except you and the way you feel about the situation. Maybe that's all it's supposed to do.

The bottom line is this: if you think you're in control of your life, you're wrong. You only get to make decisions about the small stuff. The real things that matter are not up to you. That's all there is to it. Get over it.

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