I've been looking online for support a lot in the last few days. There is a HUGE "baby loss" community out there. So many, many mommies without their loves. But there are not many mommies who experienced the same thing I did. Not many mommies who decide to keep their sick babies and allow them to live for as long as possible. I guess people just kill their babies if they are sick. It's made me think, "I wish people would know that you don't have to terminate...there are other options!". When he was first diagnosed, they made it sound like the next step was termination. They didn't offer another option, it was just like "ok, when should we schedule the procedure?" (By procedure, you mean the killing of our son?) They suggested it over and over again until we finally said, "This is not an option for us, please never ask us again and make a note in our chart." (It's sick that we had to say that so forcefully).
I was thinking the other day, "If I could go back and do anything differently, would I?" (Obviously, if I had some way of making Samuel well, then a million-times yes, I would go back and change things). The answer is no. As much as I'm sad now, I'm so glad that we chose life for Samuel. I'm so happy we had eight months to love him and know him. We could have ended his life and then had to live wondering what might have happened. Instead, we saw it though and got to see him, and touch him, look in his eyes and hold him close. Yes, there are hard moments (and by hard I mean nightmarish) and yes, it's very hard to say goodbye. But I can't even begin to imagine the pain of never knowing what he looks like, or having thoughts of "what might have been". If you or someone you know has been told to end the pregnancy because it's not "compatible with life", just know this: you're not alone and you don't have to! You can make the most of the time you have! You can sing and read to your baby. You can take pictures and make videos of your time. You can choose life. No matter what is wrong, this is your baby. You can love them fully, even if you can't hold them outside your womb. And the memories of the time together will be priceless.
me: Good morning my love!
Samuel: kick...kick...wiggle...wiggle (Good morning mama!)
me: Mommy loves you, Samuel!
Samuel: kick...kick ( I love you too mommy!)
me: Samuel, Daddy's home from work! He's going to read you a story.
Samuel: wiggle...wiggle...kick...kick..kick (Yea! That's my favorite. I love daddy!)
Times like that were the best moments of my life. <3