For the past few days, I haven't been able to fall asleep. Here I am, at 5:30am, feeling tired, but unable to go to sleep. I can feel so tired and my eyes so heavy, but when I actually lie down to sleep, my brain goes on overdrive and I can't stop thinking. No matter how tired I feel, the moment my head hits the pillow it's like the signal to my brain to start processing everything that's happened. Immediately, Samuel is all I can think of. Oh, how I miss him! I just want him back. That's all I want in life. Nothing else matters. But I don't get him and I hate that. I'm not sure if I can fully describe this, but I have this feeling all the time that drives me nuts. It's the nonsensical feeling that if I can just make it to this point - some undefined point in time - this will all go away. I hate that feeling. This will never go away. Maybe my logical brain needs to be informed that no amount of processing will bring him back. The past few days have been really hard. I'm just so sad. The other night, I cried and cried and cried for hours. Finally, I went upstairs to Bryan, woke him up and just let him hold me while I cried. The poor man. He wants me to be ok so much. He kept tying to console me but I would have none of it. I just needed to sob for my lost baby. I can't say it enough: I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.
Since I haven't been able to sleep, I've been looking up blogs of other "baby loss mothers" (I hate being apart of that group...I hate that there even is a group). I found a great one called Little Bird. She also lost her first baby (a beautiful baby girl named Charlotte) and I find her blog super helpful because she is so honest about what it's like. I like knowing it's ok to be so sad/crazy/angry/hurt. We love our babies and that's why it's so hard.
I got a message from our nurse yesterday saying the autopsy results could take another month. Really? Why on earth are they taking so long? I guess it doesn't really matter. It won't change anything.
My life is one big mess right now. Nothing matters to me. There doesn't seem to be a point to doing anything. I just move through each day like a zombie and each day just moves me closer to...well, nothing. Just more of my life without him. Days just come and go. Someday, it'll be the future and I'll just be there, unsure of exactly how I got there.
I hate that I'm coming up on thirty. I feel pressure to get myself together because we need to have more children soon if we want them. Bryan is almost 35. Times a' ticken... but I just don't care. I wanted Samuel. I don't want anyone else. Someday I will, but for now I don't. I think "how can I possibly be a good mother to another baby when I'm such a mess?" Like I've said so many times: it's all just ruined. And (once again) I hate it.
I hate that I need to lose so much weight again. I can barely find the energy to get out of bed each day, let alone find the energy to dedicate myself to a exercise plan. UGH. The last thing on earth I want to think about is losing weight. But I'm also sick of being so fat.
Sometimes I think about what it would be like if Samuel were here. Everything would be right in the world. No pain, no sadness, no tears. Just lots of snuggles and stinky diapers and late night feedings and cute baby smiles. That's when I get so sad. God, don't you realize that You could have stopped this? (duh, of course He knows). Everything would have been just fine...why didn't you heal him??
He didn't, all is not fine, I'm old and fat and can't sleep. I miss him.