When something bad happens to a Christian, everyone expects their response to give glory to God ("I'll praise you in this storm", and such). I guess that's what I "should" do too. "Oh, thank you Jesus for allowing me eight months with my baby. That's such a good gift". I shouldn't wonder why it's me that has to use faith to get those eight months when so many people go through pregnancy without a single thought of praying for their child. I shouldn't wonder why a loving and powerful God would allow my baby to die, despite my faith, but allow children to be born to single teenage mothers, or drug-addicted mothers, or mothers whose husbands beat them, or to mothers who don't even want them, on a daily basis. I should be one of those "good" Christians who says "I guess God needed another angel" or "God's ways are higher than mine" and then just go about my life without giving it another thought. I'm not one of those people. If God says something in the Bible, I'm going to take Him at His word. Then, if He doesn't do what He says He is going to, I'm going to call Him on it and be upset. If He says He is a healer, then why wouldn't I expect Him to heal? It's not about me being mad that He didn't heal Samuel because I think He owes me anything. I don't think God is a vending machine. You can just put in a prayer and expect a matching result. BUT, I do wonder why I can't expect Him to keep His word and be who He claims to be. That's where my loss of faith comes in. I have lost the ability to take Him at His word. Why? Because I have proof that it doesn't work like that. I think too many people just take verses out of the Bible and apply them to their lives (heck, I tried to do it too). Those words were not written to us; they were written to specific people for specific purposes. When we try to make them fit for our situation, we are just kidding ourselves into thinking He cares about something He doesn't. I don't believe God is sitting up there, micromanaging our each and every decision and action.
I guess it's just about choices. I can choose now how to proceed. I can be upset with God and question Him and try to find my faith again. Or, I can just go with it and say "He loves me no matter what happened. He is with me and sad right along side of me. He didn't cause Samuel to die, and he's hurting that it turned out that way". Maybe I'd find peace in that path. My pride is not allowing me to take that path right now. I want answers that are never going to come. It'd be nice to shut off my logic and just go down that path of ignorance. I could be like the people who lose a loved-one and then start "feeling" them all around in life. People who see a butterfly or a rainbow and think it's their loved-one sending them some sort of "I'm watching over you" message. To me, it's just a butterfly or a rainbow. Maybe I'm to cynical. Maybe I should think that since we called him Bunny and there is a bunny in my backyard every day now, that it's Samuel's way of saying "I'm ok". Maybe there is some pill that would help me turn off my logic and just be a sappy like that. Then, would I have peace that he died?
All I know is this: It's super easy for people to look at this situation and think I should be content that I got what I did (at least I got eight months!) It's easy because those people are holding their babies in their arms while they judge how I should react. It's easy because they don't know loss like I do. If you lost something as precious as what I lost, you'd understand why it's hard to think God is loving. If you lost your love while you watch as everyone around brings theirs home, you'd understand better. If God is who He says He is, I shouldn't have to search to find Him, it should just be as He says. The truth should just be the truth. It shouldn't be something you have to really stretch to make true. If He loves me, then why can't I just see it?
For today, I'm choosing to question and be hurt. Maybe tomorrow I'll choose to just give up the pain and believe God is with me no matter what happens.