Tuesday, June 12, 2012


I was so naive before this all happened. I use to believe (thank you 8th grade sex-ed class) that sex=pregnancy=baby. Now I realize how stupid I was to believe that. Now I know the truth. Sex=the slight chance (if you timed it right) that you may become pregnant. It can also mean another month of heartbreak when you realize, once again, your dreams are not coming true and all your efforts have failed. If by chance, you do become pregnant, then it's three months of "don't tell anyone just in case we lose it", followed by "Ok, we might be safe now...maybe". Then it's an ultrasound to see if you have somehow managed not to pass down some type of horrible genetic condition or if you picked up a "fluke" condition that will end the baby's life. If you manage to make it past all that, then it's wondering if the baby will live through the birth without a cord injury or some-such other nightmare. If you finally make it past all those hurdles and you hold your perfect little one in your arms, then - and only then - can you settle down and realize this one is probably for keeps. (Oh wait, unless there is some type of condition that was undetected on the ultrasound...) The fact that so many people have healthy kids is crazy to me when you consider all the things that can - and do - go wrong during pregnancy. I'm so sad that so many, many people are living without their babies for all those reasons. If you happen to be someone who has never miscarried, never lost a baby or never experienced infertility, then you can consider yourself the exception. (You must be blessed - BLAH). 

This week was a reminder that you just never know what the next day will hold. Overall, the past few days have been "ok". (i.e. I only cry a couple times a day instead of the entire day). I'm doing my best to make peace with the fact that Samuel is gone and I can't have him back. I have to move forward without him. I tried fighting it with all my strength and all that got me was a slight nervous breakdown. (the less said about that the better). When I decided to stop focusing on the anger and the horror of everything that happened, I found I could focus on what matters. I could focus on my love - so deep and unending - for my precious little guy. I love him so! I would do anything to hold him close and kiss his precious little face again. (Is it just me or is he one of the cutest little guys ever?!) Such a sweet little face...such a tiny cute little nose. Oh how I miss him <3.

Sometimes I don't think I can go on without him in my life. I miss him so very much. It's almost been 2 months. How can that be? I just keep going - day by day - and the time keeps moving forward.

How do you move on when nothing feels right? Everything I do feels pointless because he should be here with me. My arms feels empty all day long because I should be holding him. Everywhere I go, everything I do, he is missing. Somehow I'll figure out how to live without him. For now, I'll just keep missing my little love. 

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