Samuel's Room, Revisited

Still Standing Magazine asked: What do you do with their room? Here are my thoughts.

Samuel's room is a beautiful and peaceful place. Although I can cry hundreds of tears when I think of how he should be using this room, I find it to be a safe place to go when I want to focus on him.

He and I spent lots of time together in his room. The love that was poured into the creation of his room is something you can feel when you enter. We spend so much time rocking together in the glider. I would read and he would listen to countless books throughout the week. Each night, after daddy time, I would wrap my tummy up in his blanket and we would rock to a CD of lullabies. It was my way of sending him off to a good nights sleep.

I use to spend lots of time in his room, dreaming of him and praying for his life. It's our place.

Now that he's gone, his room is a reminder of those special times together. Yes, it's painful, but it's also beautiful.

There have been people who suggested we put it all away. The very idea of that is heartbreaking. It's his room and I can't imagine our house without it.

A few months ago, I mustered up all my courage and went through his things. I packaged up all the diapers that were sitting open in the baskets. I looked at and held his things and I cried because he will never use them. In my mind, there are things that I will never use of his for any else. They are for him and him alone.

I suppose someday I'll have to put these things away somewhere else. I suppose there will be a day when this room can't be just for him. But for now, I see no reason to do so.

For now, it's Samuel's room and I love it.