Thinking back

Last year at this time, we were outside in the unseasonably warm weather, taking pregnancy photos. The three of us together; our happy little family. The only pictures we will ever have of our complete family.

This year, it's snowy and super cold. We're tucked inside; one missing and two broken.

Here it is, the first day of spring. The time of rebirth and new life. The time of sun and growth. The precursor to summer.

Samuel was supposed to be born in May. He was going to be our little spring baby. Spring brings to mind what should have been. This year, he would be having so much fun, learning to walk and talk, exploring the outside world, a busy little  guy on the go. From this time on, there would have been no stopping him. I think this spring/summer would have been so much fun for our little family.

Instead, it's just more of the same. Another empty day, turning into an empty week, turning into an empty month. No joy, only sadness. No rebirth, only death. No new life, just old memories.

I find myself constantly wanting to do something for him. To buy him things, to make him things, to do things in his name. I have so much pent up mothering energy for him. There is no good place to put it. There are only so many thing I can buy, make or do before it all comes crashing down again...he's not here and none of this matters. What a fragile life I lead.

I can feel his first birthday looming near. I can feel the pressure to not be in bed all day, crying my eyes out. To make it something special for him. I can feel the urge to just skip that day all together.

Bryan and I have been going around and around on what we should do on that actual day. We have a Plan A and a Plan B. Now we just have to decided which one (or secret Plan C do just sleep all day) to use.

I can't believe it's almost been a year. Where on earth have I been? What has my life become? How on earth did this happen?

Sometime I have this feeling like I must have made the whole thing up. This can't possibly have happened like this. It can't possibly be true that our son had died!

But then I see his sweet little face in the pictures and I know, he's real.

He is our son and he died. We will never be the same again.

I miss him <3.