Sunday, March 10, 2013


My plan for today was to try and do something nice with Bryan. Maybe go out to eat and see a moive? That could be nice...

But Grief's plan for today is a sobbing-mess of anger and resentment.

Guess who's winning?

I woke up crying (that should have been my first clue about how this day was going to go). I had been dreaming about one of my SIL's and her baby. (Needless to say, it was not a good dream). Bryan and I got in an argument, I grumbled around for a while and finally ended up in the living room, sobbing my face off.

Wow. I have no say in my life at all anymore.

Bryan has been unable to sleep well for over a week now. I'm worried about him and I don't know how to help. It's really hard for him right now and I don't believe he knows how to handle the emotions he's feeling. He misses his little guy and has no outlet for those feelings.

I can't believe this is our life.

I'm just a dark, empty, shell of who I was. His death has taken everything inside me and I'm hollow, like a black and echoing cavern.

I wake up every day to a life I don't want and emotions I'm sick and tired of having.

I've become such a fragile person. My heart just can't take anything anymore. I hear or see something upsetting and I'm just done.

We are way too far away from him and way too close to his first birthday.

I want to be done with this mess. Somewhere, in my head, there is this point in time when I'll be done feeling this way. I just keep saying to myself, just get "there". But there is no "there". I want to be done, but there is no "done". He's always missing and always should be here with us. There is nothing I can do to change it and my heart is always aware of his absence.

I keep trying to come up with something special to do for his first birthday, and all my attempts leave me a mess. This is not how it should be and I know it. Regardless of what we do,  I know in my heart its all for nothing.

It's almost his 11-month birthday. I guess that explains this melt-down.

We would have been so happy. 

1 comment:

  1. It isn't for nothing, it is for Samuel. He is worth grieving for and I know you know that. Sweetie, you are still in those raw days. I realize it hurts and it sucks. Grief is always lurking around every corner. It will ease up on you when you least expect it, but you are still in your first year so go easy on yourself.
    Read my last post, SAFE HAVEN. BTW: My husband James will walk in from work ans ask how are you doing! We both care:) Gale


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