Fragile

My plan for today was to try and do something nice with Bryan. Maybe go out to eat and see a moive? That could be nice...

But Grief's plan for today is a sobbing-mess of anger and resentment.

Guess who's winning?

I woke up crying (that should have been my first clue about how this day was going to go). I had been dreaming about one of my SIL's and her baby. (Needless to say, it was not a good dream). Bryan and I got in an argument, I grumbled around for a while and finally ended up in the living room, sobbing my face off.

Wow. I have no say in my life at all anymore.

Bryan has been unable to sleep well for over a week now. I'm worried about him and I don't know how to help. It's really hard for him right now and I don't believe he knows how to handle the emotions he's feeling. He misses his little guy and has no outlet for those feelings.

I can't believe this is our life.

I'm just a dark, empty, shell of who I was. His death has taken everything inside me and I'm hollow, like a black and echoing cavern.

I wake up every day to a life I don't want and emotions I'm sick and tired of having.

I've become such a fragile person. My heart just can't take anything anymore. I hear or see something upsetting and I'm just done.

We are way too far away from him and way too close to his first birthday.

I want to be done with this mess. Somewhere, in my head, there is this point in time when I'll be done feeling this way. I just keep saying to myself, just get "there". But there is no "there". I want to be done, but there is no "done". He's always missing and always should be here with us. There is nothing I can do to change it and my heart is always aware of his absence.

I keep trying to come up with something special to do for his first birthday, and all my attempts leave me a mess. This is not how it should be and I know it. Regardless of what we do,  I know in my heart its all for nothing.

It's almost his 11-month birthday. I guess that explains this melt-down.

We would have been so happy.