Monday, March 25, 2013


Sometimes I have things bubbling up inside and I can't seem to get the out into words. I just experienced one of those moments.

I was looking through pinterst and I saw something about Disney World. Harmless, yes. Huge emotional response from me, yes.

It's so hard to find the words to express this feeling I have. I guess the closest word would be cheated.

I've been cheated. I am absolutely Samuel's mother and I always will be. But I don't get to mother him. I don't get to have the experiences a typical mother does. I did what every other mother does to get her child here. Death had stolen what is rightfully mine.

I want to bring him to Disney World. I want our family to be happy and have fun together.

I want to post photos of us in Micky ears and in lines for rides.

Why don't I deserve that?

Like I said, cheated is not quite the right word. It's not full enough. It doesn't go deep enough. It doesn't describe the deep hollow inside me well enough. It doesn't conjure up the image of injustice that I feel so intensely.

Mostly, I want my family to be whole again. That can never be.

So what's the word for times when you're reminded of what you should be able to do, but have no possible way to ever because something "fluke" happened and now your life is in shambles all while people all around you get what you had but for some unknown reason they got to keep theirs while yours was stolen for no reason?

Totally and utterly, inexplicably, senselessly, and meaninglessly cheated.

How nice for everyone else.

1 comment:

  1. Yes, cheated, robbed, betrayed. Those moments hit, hard. ((hugs)) They never go away, but at some point won't be every day.

    I'll never forget one of those moments. Sitting in church with my three year old Ben - watching with joy as the graduating seniors get quilts presented during the service.... and looking forward to Ben being up there some day... then it hit me. My Nathan SHOULD be in THAT group. And it was like getting HIT with it. What a hard day, lots of tears. All the things missed... still hurt.

    But most days I focus on what to be grateful for, those I love, and ways to make the world a better place. Without him, and with the hole in my heart that will always be.

    Days like you have almost every day now... will be few and far between many years from now. It's finding that path, that way to go on; until the world starts filling with things to replace the pain. You have to look for them, but they will appear.

    Make-a-Wish needs help to send other kids to Disney. ?? maybe you can share that with someone who is feeling cheated by life in a different context.


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