Baby Finley's first birthday in heaven is today. His mama just wrote about the clock ticking over to midnight and his birthday beginning. I read those words and immediately began crying my eyes out for her, and for me. I know Samuel's day is coming soon and I can't do it.
I can't believe it's been this long. I have no idea what on earth is going on. How did this happen? My sweet baby is gone and I don't get to celebrate his birthday with him. I can't do this. There has to be a way to keep it from happening. What on earth am I going to do without him for the rest of my life? There must be a way out of this.
I've been an emotional wreck since his 11 month birthday. It can't believe this is my life. I can't believe I have to do this for the rest of my life. I can't do it. There has to be a way out.
I just sit here crying my eyes out, searching for him, searching for a way to just be done with this mess. I wonder what it's like to never have to lose a baby. What on earth is it like to think that baby loss just happens to "some people". What's it like to just get pregnant, complain about weight gain and sore backs and swollen feet, blissfully buy baby thing and have showers, then go into labor, have a baby and bring them home??? What's it like to plan your baby's birthday and actually get to have them there???
I have no idea. All that was stolen from me for no reason, what-so-ever. Just because "these things happen" and, apparently, God was busy that day.
How on earth can it be possible that I have to hurt this much, while other people never know this pain? How on earth can anyone think a person would be "done" grieving after such a short time?? How on earth can I be sitting here in this madness and despair while even our own families just keep on living as if nothing happened?? How on earth can it be true that my baby died for no reason while there are people killing their perfectly healthy babies right at this moment??
Every once in a while, I get a glimpse of how life is just
going on the same for everyone around us. It deeply offends me that
while we sit here in the middle of our worst nightmare, our hearts
broken and our lives shattered, the rest of the world moves on as if
nothing happened. I guess everyone's just relieved it didn't happen to
them instead. It must be so nice to only hear of a story like ours, instead of living it every moment of every day.
I can't do this. I'm freaking out. I'm not ready.
I'm not okay that it's been this long, or that it's not going to end.
I'm not okay with this, but I have no choice. I didn't get a say in what happened to us.
How on earth am I going to keep doing this for the rest of my life?
I can't believe he's gone forever.
My life is a nightmare. I miss my baby.