Saturday, March 23, 2013

I can't do this.

Baby Finley's first birthday in heaven is today. His mama just wrote about the clock ticking over to midnight and his birthday beginning. I read those words and immediately began crying my eyes out for her, and for me. I know Samuel's day is coming soon and I can't do it.

I can't believe it's been this long. I have no idea what on earth is going on. How did this happen? My sweet baby is gone and I don't get to celebrate his birthday with him. I can't do this. There has to be a way to keep it from happening. What on earth am I going to do without him for the rest of my life? There must be a way out of this.

I've been an emotional wreck since his 11 month birthday. It can't believe this is my life. I can't believe I have to do this for the rest of my life. I can't do it. There has to be a way out.

I just sit here crying my eyes out, searching for him, searching for a way to just be done with this mess. I wonder what it's like to never have to lose a baby. What on earth is it like to think that baby loss just happens to "some people". What's it like to just get pregnant, complain about weight gain and sore backs and swollen feet,  blissfully buy baby thing and have showers, then go into labor,  have a baby and bring them home??? What's it like to plan your baby's birthday and actually get to have them there???

I have no idea. All that was stolen from me for no reason, what-so-ever. Just because "these things happen" and, apparently, God was busy that day.

How on earth can it be possible that I have to hurt this much, while other people never know this pain? How on earth can anyone think a person would be "done" grieving after such a short time?? How on earth can I be sitting here in this madness and despair while even our own families just keep on living as if nothing happened?? How on earth can it be true that my baby died for no reason while there are people killing their perfectly healthy babies right at this moment??
Every once in a while, I get a glimpse of how life is just going on the same for everyone around us. It deeply offends me that while we sit here in the middle of our worst nightmare, our hearts broken and our lives shattered, the rest of the world moves on as if nothing happened. I guess everyone's  just relieved it didn't happen to them instead. It must be so nice to only hear of a story like ours, instead of living it every moment of every day.

I can't do this. I'm freaking out. I'm not ready.

I'm not okay that it's been this long, or that it's not going to end.

I'm not okay with this, but I have no choice. I didn't get a say in what happened to us.

How on earth am I going to keep doing this for the rest of my life?

I can't believe he's gone forever.

My life is a nightmare. I miss my baby.


  1. I'm so sorry RaeAnne... I know exactly how you feel mama. I'll be keeping you and Samuel in my thoughts & prayers as his special day approaches. It is so hard to "celebrate" milestones and birthdays knowing they can't be here. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to make his birthday a little gentler on you <3

    1. Thank you so much <3. You are a sweet friend.

  2. Oh sweetie. The lead up was horrible. I hope that Samuel's birthday is as lovely for you as Finley's was for me. He wasn't there and that was SO HARD, but people remembered and people cared, and I felt so incredibly blessed.

    It's hard when you think of it in terms of forever. So try to live in the moment on Samuel's day. Remember him and celebrate him and somehow you will make it through.

    Big hugs sweetie xxxx

    1. Thank you, Lisa <3. I saw how much people supported you and loved you guys and it made me hopeful that people will remember our Samuel too.

      I have such a hard time keeping myself in the moment. You're right, it's easier when I do.

      Happy Birthday sweet little Finley <3 <3

  3. Having 26 of those birthdays pass by now... I will tell you that YOU CAN do it. In time it will get easier, but it takes A LOT of time. Please try to focus on filling your life with things that can make you happy... it is the only way you will find your way out of this and beyond. I lost my husband the year after I lost my Nathan, those were some very dark years. Find something to give yourself to, it is not an injustice to Samuel, he wants you to feel whole again and to heal. I just know it.

    I had to wait 14 years after my Nathan died before I held my Benjamin, who is now 12 as of the date you wrote this. While he does not take the place of my first son, all that love I had been holding onto and couldn't give my first baby felt SO GOOD to give to Ben. I hope some day that you might be ready to love another baby and that God blesses you, it seems like you have so much Mommy love in you to give. Healing and TRYING to let go of the pain is the only way, it does not mean forgetting or pretending that the hole isn't there, it means going on in spite of it.


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