"Peace of mind"

We went to the genetics counselor last week. The trip to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester was very emotional for me. The last time I made that trip, I was in labor - not active, mind you (blah) - and heading to give birth. The trip brought back all the memories of the horrible trips we've made there. The horrific, anxiety-filled trips where we wondered if that would be the day we found out Samuel had died. It was a hard trip for me. Well, here we are, it's over and they were right. I could just throw up, cry and scream all at once. We finally made it there and I cried. If you want to feel like a freak of nature, just schedule a genetics appointment. If you see in black and white everything you may pass down to a baby, you may not be so quick to jump into parenthood. Man, people get sick a lot. Prior to the appointment, I had gotten as complete of a history as I could from both Bryan's parents and mine. We walked into the appointment with the list of issues in-hand and all I could think was how does any baby live through pregnancy?

We went through everything I had listed and talked for a while with the doctor and the genetics counselor. The main outcome of the meeting: Samuel died for no reason. There is no (known) cause, it "just happens some times". Does it give me comfort? (You know, the peace of mind I was promised.) Nope. Not at all. To me, if something happened once, it can happen again. Especially if you don't know why it happend. I have nothing to change, nothing to avoid doing. I just cross my fingers and hope for the best. *sigh* I would try praying for a baby to be well, but we've all seen how much good that does...

Here are some highlights from the report they sent to us:
1. Apparently, I'm very pleasant. Mrs. Fredrickson, a very pleasant woman, was referred to us...
2. Our families didn't cause this. There was no family history to suggest a genetic etiology to the couple's unfortunate loss. 
3. We didn't cause this. There was nothing the couple could have done that would have caused or prevented the baby from having PUV. 
4. It can happen again. There are case reports of patient's experiencing more than one pregnancy with PUV, however, this is rare. The couple's recurrence rick is low, but may be slightly higher than the general population. Yep, you read that right. That super rare-unlikely, non-genetic "thing" that happened to Samuel can and DOES happen again to some couple. I guess I'll just go lie down and die somewhere. I can't do this again.

So that "peace of mind" I was promised? It's just like everything else right now; a bunch of crap. When something "super rare" happens to you, and then you're told you have a higher (albeit slightly higher) risk of it happening again in the future, you just go ahead and assume you're going to have only sick babies. If it happened before for no reason, then it can happen again for no reason. I just don't even know what to do. I guess we are just freaks of nature. For some reason everyone else in our families can have tons of perfectly healthy kids but we are mutants. I'm back to wanting to just go to sleep for the next few years. Maybe Armageddon could happen soon?

The genetics counselor said it right, You won't feel safe until you're holding a healthy baby in your arms. Yep, that's true. But the question is this: How on earth do we ever get to the point when we're willing to do this all over again for the chance we might get a healthy baby? I'm not sure. I guess having babies is for everyone else.

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On a different note:
Tomorrow is the Day of Hope. A day to remember lost pregnancies and babies. If you'd like to help us honor Samuel's life, please write a note - even if it's just a few words - on how his story has impacted your life, and email it to RememberingSamuelEvan@gmail.com. (You may also simply comment on this post). I'll be compiling them and will write out some of them on this blog tomorrow. Thank you to those of you who have already commented. It does my mama's heart good to know how special my little guy was to you. Thank you so very much!