This past weekend was just so bad. Just when I think I'm moving a bit forward, a huge wave of grief crashes in to me and leaves me gasping and doing my best just to hold on. It's crazy how you can go right back to zero so fast. The pain and emotions were just as raw as the first few weeks after Samuel died. So much heartache, so much anger, so much confusion and so much contempt. As Bryan so astutely noticed a few months ago, weekends are the hardest for me. While this may seem obvious, since Samuel died on a Saturday, I didn't put it together until he told me. (Yes, I know, duh). So most every weekend is bad for me. This one, especially.
I guess it all started when I was innocently trying to check out with my groceries. I had made it through the entire store without seeing any babies so I thought I was in the clear. But then, at the checkout, I turn around and right smack in front of me is my nemesis: a teenage mom with a baby boy. UGH. Heart stops for a moment. I quickly try to pretend I'm super interested in the contents of my wallet. But there she is, cooing at him and rocking him just feet away from me. And she doesn't move. The person I thought she was with left and she just stayed. I shoved everything in bags as quickly as possible and tried to get the heck outta there. But guess what? Magically, at that moment, for no apparent reason, she was now leaving too. She walked out behind me. No grocery bags, no walking with someone with a cart, just leaving right then for no reason. (Or, in my head, just there to make my life miserable). If you've never lost a baby, you may not get this reaction. You might wonder why it's so hard for me. Just know: it is. All the anger, all the pain, all the emotions just welled up and I got in the car and sobbed. I'm so angry. I'm so sad. I hate this new life of mine. I want to hold Samuel and coo at him and rock him. Why does the irresponsible teenager get what I should have?
So that's where it began, but nothing seemed to make it better. It was just one thing after another all weekend long. I sobbed and yelled and cried and grumbled. It was rough. I have so many questions with no answers and I just can't get over them. Why us and not all the horrible parents in the world? Why is it that every other person in our families just shoots out babies like it's nothing and we can't even have one to keep? Why is EVERY woman on earth pregnant right now? Why did I put all my faith in something God never promised? WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?? Why is it me who has to change and not everyone else? How about this: if you're pregnant or have a baby, YOU have to stay home with the curtains drawn. I'll go out in the world and you have to hide. How about that? Instead, it's me. I can't go anywhere, watch any show, read anything on FB, listen to any radio program, see any magazines, etc, etc, etc. Babies are everywhere.
Bryan just holds me tight and keeps saying it, "we'll be ok someday". Where is this elusive "someday"? For me, it's the day I die and go to hold my sweet boy forever. This horrible life and world go away forever and I never feel sad again. That's my someday.
This morning, like so many Mondays, some of the clouds part again and I feel a little better. Still so sad without him- I'll always be sad without him - but not so much of the overwhelming emotions. I went for a counseling appointment and that helped. I just have to keep going. Sometimes it's minute by minute, but I just keep going.
Someday, we'll be ok.