Thursday, August 23, 2012

Bryan's Birthday

I've lost my sense of time. It moves not in a line, but in a squiggly mess. Some days are so long, some just shoot by, some are just gone from my memory forever. I recently had this moment of realization that summer is done and it's back to school time. Honestly, I can't account for my summer. It's lost in a daze of sadness and numbed existence. I can know the days are passing without really connecting to them at all.

Suddenly, yesterday, it was Bryan's birthday. Normally, I like to go all out for birthdays. I usually get him multiple presents, plan a super fun night out with fiends and do my best to give him an amazing day to remember. Yesterday, when I woke up, I realized I had done nothing. I love him and I want to celebrate him. But right now any celebrating seems so empty, so meaningless. I pictured a small little smiley guy with a little birthday hat on his head, watching his daddy blow out the candles on his cake. I pictured us at the store, me explaining to him that "it's daddy's birthday!" and we need to get him lots of gifts. I pictured us all together, so happy, as we celebrated all that life had brought us in the past year. But, for the millionth time, I realized those things will never be. As I thought about everything that's happened since Bryan's last birthday, I realized something so amazing to consider: Samuel's entire lifetime occurred within the months between Bryan's last birthday and this. Wow...when they say a lot can happen in a year, they really mean it. Samuel was conceived after Bryan's birthday last year. He grew and was born and then died all before this one. For some reason, I just can't get over that. Age 33 - no baby, age 34 - baby, age 35 - no baby again. What craziness. It also made me realize just how wonderful and horrible and happy and sad and so long and so short this past year has been. To quote the Selah song, it's been "such a short time, such a long road". I'm just so tired. It's been a long road to say the least. And now our journey on the new path of life without Samuel had begun and it's so hard. All this is to say, I didn't do anything for his birthday and there it was, upon us.

I told him I would make him whatever he wanted for breakfast. He asked for eggs and bacon. I set to making it and realized we have no bacon. Man, I can't even make him what he wants. I went to him with the heavy load of guilt on my shoulders (guilt for not taking very good care of him - especially on his birthday) and he, with his easy-going attitude, said it was no problem. To add to this, I had an early-morning counseling appointment, so I couldn't even spend the morning with him.

After my appointment, helpful as usual, I realized I could get my act together and still try to make it a good day for him. I went to get him balloons, I got him a few small gifts (he said he really didn't want anything) and  - thank goodness for pastry chefs - I got him some special cakes from one of our favorite restaurants. I even made dinner reservations at our secret spot and found showtimes for the Bourne movie he's been wanting to see. Then, I made him a yummy lunch. When he came home for lunch, it may have actually appeared that I was capable of doing things. 

But then, during lunch, I just cried and cried. I want Samuel here with us so much. I hate doing anything/everything without him. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. Bryan held me and we talked about how much we miss him. It was a sorry excuse for a birthday lunch. We are both not ok without our little guy. He pulled himself together and went back to work, and I just went to take a nap. (Sometimes, it's all I can do).

I woke up in time to try to get myself presentable for a nice dinner out. I actually put on some make-up and did my hair. It was odd to see myself put together. That person in the mirror has not looked back at me for a LONG time. Normally, I just look so tired and sad and old. I think I aged ten years in the last one. We both made an effort and enjoyed a nice steak dinner. We decided not to see the movie; we were both worn out from dinner.

It was a happy day to celebrate Bryan's life, but a sad day to remember all that is missing. It was hard for me. I really hope there was some semblance of goodness for Bryan.

When August began, I realized we are about to walk the road of anniversaries. The date his life began, the day we knew he was there, the first ultrasound and so on and so on up to the anniversary of his death. *sigh* it's going to be a long walk. We are going to try to just keep taking it one day at a time. It's all we can do. Special days are so hard because they are not special like they should be. Life is not what it should be. We have no choice but to keep moving forward.

Here's to you, Bryan, my love forever. Happy Birthday!

My love for you is immeasurable
My respect for you immense...

You're in my heart, you're in my soul
You'll be my breath should I grow old
You are my lover, you're my best friend
You're in my soul

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