Four Months

Where do I even begin...it's four months. The word that comes to mind is "yuck". With each passing month, we just get farther away from the day I saw his sweet little face in person. I don't like that. I wanted to see his sweet little face every day. I miss him so much <3.

Here's how I wanted today to go:
Wake up, go into Samuel's room, see his sweet little smiley face poking up over the crib rails. Maybe be a little "good morning" sound from him. "Good morning my love! How's my sweet boy? Do you know what today is? It's your four-month birthday!! You are getting SO BIG! Who's my big boy today!?" Huge smiles and claps from him. Big snuggles and kisses. So much happiness.

Instead, here is what I got. (yuck)

beep-beep, beep-beep. (Bryan's alarm). click. (Bryan hitting the snooze button). Me to myself: Uh-oh, that's not good. (Whenever Bryan hits the snooze button, it's not a good sign, he normally get's right up). He must not have gotten enough sleep. *sigh* It's Samuel's four-month birthday. Oh, my poor heart...I miss him so much. 10 minutes of just lying there, thinking about him. beep-beep, beep-beep...wait for it...click. Oh, no! Not twice with the snooze button...it's going to be a bad morning for him. 10 more minutes of thinking about Samuel. beep-beep, beep-beep. Me, "Morning hon, it's Samuel's birthday today." (My attempt to get him up). "Yeah..." He slowly climbs out of bed. "What should we do today?" Him, "I don't know". I head downstairs. What should I do...hmm...I know, I'll clean out the fridge. (Why? Don't know. What else is there to do with my life...nothing.) Bryan walks by on his way to the bathroom. "Hon, could you help me move the fridge quick?" (Oh, now that I say it again, I can see why he got irritated). "What? Why? I need to get going." Me, "Please, quick, it's really heavy". Him, "Fine". Pulls out the fridge. So I go to work cleaning the vents mopping the floor under the fridge and wiping down the sides and top. Then I pull out all the drawers, clean them, wipe down the inside walls and shelves, then put everything back. Then I went through everything inside, organizing and tossing. Ok, done. Now what. Bryan tromps up the stairs. Me, "What do you want for breakfast?" Bryan, in a crabby voice, "I don't have time". He's a crabby guy this morning. "Oh no, sorry, let me get you some banana bread." I butter him a couple slices and put them in a baggie for him to eat on the way to work. Since Tuesday is trash/recycling day, he get's the bin to bring outside. Then, I had the audacity to try to hand him the baggie of bread. "My hands are all dirty, I can't take it" (crabby-voiced husband). Me, "I'll take it out, you take this and go". Crabby husband, "No, I'll do it". Grumble-grumble (ok, he didn't grumble, but his face implied it). Me, now equally-crabby-voiced, "Bryan, I'll do it. Just take this and go". I pulled the bin from his hands. "Fine!" He runs downstairs to wash his hands, then takes the bag and opens the door to go. Me, "I don't need this from you today". Him, silence. Crabby-faced, he walks out. Me, now upset that I have to deal with his crabbiness, grabs the stupid (yes, it's now stupid) bin and stomps it outside. Bryan drives away without even looking at me. I go inside to write about how crappy this morning had been and it's only 8:30am. yuck. 

I guess we are both just really sad that Samuel is gone and that life is just so bad without him. I would guess that Bryan's bad morning was due to his sadness. I would guess we were both on edge because life is just so wrong. What on earth is going on?! I just want to shout it out...why on earth did this happen!?! We could be so happy now, but instead all we have is crap. yuck.

I'd love more than anything to post a photo of Samuel's precious four-month-old face, but I don't get to know that face. So, instead, here's my newly cleaned out fridge. yuck. (Yep, my life is pointless now. No baby, but clean fridge - what a bunch of crap).

Since I'm going to hold out hope that today could turn around a bit, I'm going to stop writing now and come back to this later. Today is going to be one of those two-posts-in-one-day days.

Off to think about my sweet little boy...