It's been a really rough few days. November, as I mentioned before, is not a good month. This week is just a reminder of what is missing and what was happening last year. I feel sick a lot this week.
So I have a few things I want to talk about but they are not all related so this will be a bit (ok, a lot) disjointed.
1. Recently, someone (who knows who they are but I won't name names,) decided I've had enough time to grieve and now it's time for me to move on. They made every effort to tell me so. Apparently, this person, who has never lost a child, knows exactly how long it should take to "get over" (what on earth does that even mean???) the death of your child. (and apparently that amount of time is less than a year). I should stop feeling bad, get a job, get pregnant and be a better wife/aunt/friend/daughter/sister/etc. I can't even begin to tell you how repulsive this note was to me. (Plus, I was told, I was dishonoring Samuel by being sad - can you even imagine?!?) I screamed and cried and felt sick for the rest of the day. I told them to keep their opinions to themselves and to leave me alone but that wasn't good enough for them and the relentless texts just kept coming. (Now, I feel sick when I hear the noise of a text because I'm so afraid it'll be this person again.) I can't really explain how horrible it feels to have someone criticize your pain and push you to get back to normal. It hurts deeply.
Firstly, there is no such thing as "back to normal". I will never - and really, could never - be who I was before this. It's not possible. Secondly, to say that I'm choosing to feel bad and should stop is absolutely ludicrous. I did not choose a single thing that has happened in all this, other than to love Samuel as much as possible during his life. I hurt deeply because I love deeply and that's all there is to it. Thirdly, there is no time limit on my pain. Children are supposed to be a part of your life until you die. End of story. He is missing every single moment of every single day and I will never, ever stop missing him. Ever. I know the intense emotions will lessen over time, but the love and desire for him to be here will never end. I know that's hard for people to deal with because they don't want to imagine that such horrible things happen. Well, sorry, they do. To me.
After such a horrible day, I was reading a blog of another babyloss mama who wrote about this very subject. She says it perfectly, so please read it.
One final note on this: I have never ever forced anyone to be apart of my pain. If you choose to read this, you are choosing to hear what it's like. I will not censor my emotions or change the story for the benefit of the people who read this. I really appreciate the love and support of people willing to travel this nightmarish road with me but you don't have to be here if you don't want to. This is my place to talk about what this is like for me. If you don't like it, then stop reading and go pretend bad things don't happen.
Now on to the next topic. (I know it's a total switching of gears. Hang with me)
2. Tomorrow is a day to be thankful to God for all he has done for us the past year. I imagine all the happy families gathering together to laugh and eat and feel so much gratitude and thankfulness in their hearts as they glance around the table at all the people who love them.
I don't even know what to do with this.
Tomorrow for me is the day to wonder why God didn't help us when we so desperately needed him. Tomorrow is a day to wonder why God doesn't love us enough to bless us with a happy healthy baby. Tomorrow is a day for us to feel completely alone in our sorrow while everyone else goes on with their lives.
Tomorrow I will be thankful to Bryan for being an amazing and wonderful husband. Tomorrow I will be thankful to him for providing for us and working hard to support us. Tomorrow I will remember my sweet baby and wish with all my heart that he was here with us. I will die a little more inside when I hear people talk about how thankful they are for their families. I will wonder, if children are a blessing from God, then what does that say about us? and no one will have an answer. Tomorrow I will imagine my friends and family with new babies. They will cuddle their little bundle up in their arms while they say a silent prayer to God, thanking him for their sweet little blessing. I'll wonder, why not me?
Last year, when things were good, I bought Samuel a "My First Thanksgiving" dinner set that now he will never use. Tomorrow is the day to imagine his chubby little face covered in sweet potatoes, sitting in the highchair next to a beautifully set table, banging that cup and bowl on his tray.
Tomorrow is a day I wish I could skip.
3. Here is Bryan's blog post about Thanksgiving. (Don't tell him, but I "forgot" to defrost the turkey he brought home. I got seafood instead because I refuse to celebrate in a traditional way. We'll have the turkey some other time.)