Life is not what is should have been, but it's also not what it will be.
Now is a holding period. Somehow, we move forward in time without moving forward in life. I look back and I can't imagine what I've been doing for this long. Coming up on seven months. That makes no sense to me. It feels simultaneously like yesterday and forever ago. Truly, it was a life-time ago.
I read a story the other day and the author said of the time after the husband died in a freak accident, "it feels like I'm living in a glass box. I see the world around me but I'm not apart of it." Yes, that's just how it feels. You don't know why you are in the box and they aren't. You don't know why it seems like they don't notice the box with you enclosed. You want to get out, but you also love the box. It protects you. You need the box for safe-keeping while you mend your heart. Somewhere inside you realize you will never be able to rejoin life in the same way again.
People ask me what it's like for me. Honestly, there is really no way to fully describe it. Hmm, how do you describe having your heart and soul torn? How do you describe the realization that life is not at all what you thought it was? How do you describe the sorrow and misery and eternal feeling of a deep and unending "missing him" and loneliness that has no way of being fulfilled? How do you describe the attack on your mental health when you see "everyone else" holding their babies and living ignorant and happy lives? I don't know. It's like a hollow in my body. An endless gaping hole that is sucking life from me. It's an offense to my deepest need for justice and meaning. It's an abuse to my faith and desire to feel loved and cared for by my creator. It's like of like waking up from the Matrix and realizing everything you've ever believed about life was wrong. (Or maybe it's like being Truman and realizing everything around you is fake).
People talk to me about my faith (some in a loving way, others in self-righteous, "I'm a good christian so I'm going to set her straight" - aka "let's kick her while she's down" sort-of way). How can I describe this to you... my faith and deep beliefs have been assaulted in such a way that I'm not sure how to recover. I have a strong desire to feel comforted and cared for by God. There is a part of me that wants so desperately to be held and protected, to find comfort in the promises of the Bible. But at the same time, I feel this sickening repulsion at the whole idea that God loves me. It's unconscionable that love and ultimate power can be present while suffering - inexplicable suffering - takes place. If someone does something and death results, I can understand. If an accident happens and death results, I can understand. When an unborn baby is sick for absolutely no reason, when every other person in the family has baby after baby with no problem, when irresponsible woman have unwanted and unloved babies who are ultimately neglected and resented but alive and well, all while I sit here so full of love with no outlet for no reason, it leaves me shaken and baffled.
I ask, "Where were you God?"
He does not answer.
We stood on the promise that God is powerful and a miraculous healer. We believed it to be true so much so that we proclaimed it to anyone who would listen. We believed so deeply because it was supposed to be true.
Then, he died.
"christians" step in with the "answers". "This is part of God's plan, He must have needed another angel, His ways are higher than ours, He gives and He takes away". Is this really what people believe? God kills babies to complete His will? (The same God who hates death?) He allows babies to be born in to horrible conditions on an hourly basis, but He needed our loved and wanted baby to die? That makes no sense. It's certainly not loving.
Sometimes I imagine how good it would feel to be one of those people who "knows the answer". You know, the people that God loves so much and who know everything there is to know about God and who hold their healthy baby close and thank Him for looking out for them while this poor woman out there has lost her baby because God willed it that way. Wow, to be so loved. It must feel really good.
So where can I go from here? How do I rebuild a faith when I have "proof" that not everything in the Bible happens at it's promised? Faith plus prayer doesn't equal healing or miracles. Believe me, if it worked that way, Samuel would not only be alive, but the most healthy baby to ever live on this earth.
I go back the quote I read in the book , Room of Marvels. It's something like this: "I cried out to God in the deepest time of need and He didn't hear me. I haven't prayed since". (I'm doing that from memory, if I'm not exact, you'll forgive me...). I prayed to God in my deepest time of need. I didn't think God would heal Samuel because he owed me, or because I should get anything I want. I though he would heal him because He is supposed to be a loving and powerful God. One who no sickness or disease could stand a chance against. Now, I know it's not the way it works. I have no idea why, but God doesn't step in like we want Him to, or like our churches and christian books and miracle healers and the like tell us He will. It just doesn't work that way. I have no idea why and, truly, neither does anyone else. I'm assuming at some point my brain will come up with a way for me to keep believing. For now, it's a constant questioning with no acceptable answers. For now, I'm lost.
Most of all, I'm missing a little guy who should be here every minute of every day.