Rage, Revisited.

Two of my sisters-in-law are pregnant right now. (Well, one may have had the baby. We don't know because I told everyone we don't want to ever know and, thankfully, people have been considerate enough to honor that request). I've done my very best to keep them out of mind. I purposely unfriended them on FB so I don't have to see photos or updates and I've made it as clear as I can that I don't want photos/cards/updates/etc of them. You may say to yourself, "Wow, she is really mean!", but you don't understand if you think that way. Knowing that they get to have healthy babies while my poor little guy was sick and died is unbearable. It rips my heart out every time I think of it.

Every time.

The massive unfairness of it weighs on my heart like a boulder. The "why them and not me" is maddening. I literally have to pretend it's not true to just cope. For the most part, I can block it out of my mind. But there always seems to be something to snap me back to the reality that they get what I should have. Today, it was a message from my sister-in-law in my in-box. I went to check another message and there it was, among all the other old messages.  It was a very kind message, I know she cares about us, but that's not the point. The problem was that her profile picture is her all pregnant and happy. It ripped my heart out. I did my best to talk myself down. "It's ok, it's ok, you can just delete it and move on with your day". It didn't work. I slammed the computer shut and tears flowed down my face and rage built up in my throat. I tried to do something constructive, so I grabbed a cloth and some cleaner and began to scrub the bathroom floor with all my might. It wasn't enough. I screamed and cried. I don't understand??? WHY ON EARTH DID THIS HAPPEN?!? I raged and screamed and sobbed all over the floor as I scrubbed it to within an inch of it's life. I don't understand!! I didn't do anything wrong! Why did this happen??

To someone who has never lost a baby, this probably makes no sense. Why am I so hurt and angry about another person? It's unfair. Plain and simple. I did nothing wrong and they did nothing right. They are just lucky and I'm not. How do I live with that? What really hurts is that we will never be able to enjoy our family again. These babies will always hurt us. They will always be a living reminder of what he should be. Every milestone they have should have been Samuel's. It will never end. So, basically, I can never be with my family ever again without hurting. That's just another part of this nightmare. I use to really like my in-laws. Now, I can never be around them again. It's been stolen from me right along with every other good thing.

I think I'll go lie down and die somewhere.