Oh, that's why...

I've been in a terrible funk for the past few days. Like a black cloud has been hanging over me. I have sort of a sick feeling all the time. Like something is going to happen, or like I'm forgetting something.

I was going over it in my head...am I missing something?? Why do I feel extra bad right now?

Then I got to thinking about last year and it hit me: We saw him for the first time one year ago. Last year at this exact time I was so incredibly happy. So full of love and anticipation. (Man, was I stupid).

Once I figured out why I've been feeling like this, I went to my personal journal - the one I was writing for him - of this time last year. Here is what I wrote:

11/04/11:
We got to see you today! What an amazing moment!! You were very busy...bouncing and kicking and even waving hello :) We are so in love with you!! One of my favorite moments was when we saw you hold on to your cord. I've been praying that God would help you "hold on tight". The nurse said, "looks like the baby is holding on tight!" God is taking care of you!! Daddy's favorite part was seeing your tiny heart beating. (He got a little emotional). We love you!!

And then Bryan's note:
We got to see our baby for the first time on an ultrasound machine. It was amazing to see you moving around and kicking. Everything looks good so far. We're very thankful for this tiny blessing from God. I'm praying everyday that we will have a healthy and strong and happy baby and that we will be good parents.

I put the journal down and sobbed. Oh, that's why I feel so bad. Life is not what is was supposed to be.

tiny baby Samuel, holding on tight <3