Thursday, November 29, 2012
The Black Cloud
I woke up today with a huge black cloud over my head. It's a cloud alive with hurt and sorrow and rage.
I can't shake it. So I tried to ask myself, "why, specifically, are you feeling this way today?" I don't really know for sure. It's probably a combination of things:
1. Yesterday, the one-year anniversary of his diagnosis, was not as bad as I thought it would be. Actually, for the most part, it was fairly calm*.
I decided a long time ago to just let my feeling come. I wouldn't force anything or try to change them, I'd just allow them to flow and deal with them as they came. Every once in a while, I have a calm day. It's not a good day, or a happy day, or an "I'm okay that he died" day, it's more of a numb/calm feeling; no strong emotions either way. Yesterday was this kind of day. The very first time I had one of these days, I felt guilty. "Am I over him?" I would ask myself. "If so, then I'm a horrible person and I guess I didn't love him very much if I can be over his death so soon". (This is the conversation in my head). But then, later on that same day, or early the next one, the grief would force its way back in and all the pain and sadness and anger would return in full force. So, today, I guess it's "let's play makeup for getting a day off".
*I realized a while ago that having a calm day is not a bad thing. It in no way means I'm over him (I still don't know what that means...) or that I must not have loved him enough. Instead, I see it as a small gift. A day to take a mini vacation from the madness of every other day. Now, on a calm day, I just try to relax and enjoy it. I know I still love him deeply.
2. After a week of really bad food choice and lots of disappointing meals and no desire to go shopping, my parents brought us food*. I cried as we unpacked all the healthy, pre-made, heat-and-eat meals. I cried because it's such a burden to go to the store and now I don't have to for a long time. It was such a relief. While I was crying, I realized how bad my life must be that I cry when someone brings me good food. That brought even more tears. How bad are things when having healthy meals feels like the best thing to happen to you in a long time?
*Thank you mom and dad for all the meals. It really means a lot.
3. As much as I tell people to keep their pregnancies* away from me, they always seem to creep into my life. As I mentioned the other day, it was the unexpected photo of my SIL. Last night, after being told that she is due soon (I have no idea why people tell me these things), it was the thought running over and over about her going into labor, delivering a perfectly healthy little baby and taking it home to enjoy. This plays over and over in my mind obsessively until I want to rip my brain out of my head. That should have been me. Instead, I get horrible diagnosis, nightmarish months of wondering if he died, anxiety filled appointments holding my breath with my heart-pounding until I finally heard "he's still with us", a week-long labor (yeah, I was there. That really happened), followed by a very stress-filled game of "which hospital should we go to today?", then emergency surgery, only 10 minutes to see my baby and a phone call to say he died. Then, after all that, I go home with empty-arms and a broken-heart to face a lifetime without him. All this for no reason. None whatsoever. "It just happens sometimes" is what they tell me. Oh, well, how nice for everyone else.
*If you find yourself pregnant, DO NOT TELL ME. No, you are not the exception, I don't want to know from anyone. I have no idea why people keep telling us. I haven't started to want to know. I will not be happy for you, I will only hurt. So, basically, if you want to hurt me deeply, then tell me. Otherwise, keep it to yourself.
**If you are my friend on FB, please unfriend me before you make any announcements/post photos/etc.
4. My life is just so far from anything I want it to be. I could say more, but that sums it up.
5. It's just another day to face without him. That's reason enough to feel sad every day.
What else is there to say? I guess this is just my life now. Me and my black cloud.