Shattered

Tomorrow will be one year.

One year since our hope and dreams were shattered with a few words from the doctor. "I'm so sorry, you baby will not live".

I look back on it now and I don't even know what to do with it all. How on earth is this my life? How on earth did this happen? What happened to my poor little guy?

Here is the entry from my journal to Samuel.
11/28/11
Today was the worst day of our lives. We got to our appointment at Mayo and during the ultrasound we saw that your tummy was SO BIG. It was very distended...almost 3 times larger than it should be...and filled with fluid. I immediately lost it and began to cry. I feared for you life. The ultrasound tech said very little. The only comfort was that your little arms and legs were wiggling and you had a strong heart beat. They took us into a room where we met with the specialist. He was very kind, but his news was horrible. He believed what you had was a blockage that was causing your body to hold urine inside your bladder and not allowing it to empty into the amniotic sac as it should. What this would mean is that your lungs and other organs wouldn't be able to develop and you would die. There are no words to describe the utter hopelessness and pain we felt. I just wanted to die. There was not much they could do. We were utterly devastated. The doctor went over the few optoins we had and asked us what we wanted to do. We were so overwhelmed, we decided to go home and think it over. The only thing we knew for certain is that we would never, ever, end your life. After the appointment, we called a few people to share our terrible news. Your grandpa Carlson was very sad. He and grandma began calling everyone they could think of to ask them to pray for you. I was a mess! All I could do was cry. My heart was so broken because I want you so much! I also couldn't stand the thought of you suffering. After crying and praying together, your daddy and I decided to do the bladder drain the doctors had recommended. We set up the appointment for the next day. I love you so much little one! I pray that God will heal you and keep you safe. We want you more than I can say. I'm so sad you're sick. I would do anything to change it. 

How on earth did we live through that day? I have no idea. I pulled out the photos of that ultrasound and my heart breaks all over again. My poor sweet baby.

All that ugly black area is the fluid inside his tummy. (You see now why I broke down as soon as I saw it).  So full. I can not believe he lived through that. He really is a little fighter <3

I don't have much more to say. We did our best to keep him here but love wasn't enough to save him.

Tomorrow you can find me under the covers in my bed. Hopefully I won't ever have to get up again.

I miss my baby and I can't believe this happened.