Proof

It's bothered me for a while that we didn't get a birth certificate for Samuel. He was born alive! Why on earth did we only get a novelty certificate? I gathered up all my courage today and headed out in to the world to find one. I went to the government building and looked around until I found the form called "requesting a birth certificate". I filled it out and waited in line for my turn. Once I was called, the woman asked what she could do to help me. I told her, "Back in April, my baby was born. He died a few hours later. We never got a birth certificate and so I was hoping you could help me." As so many people do, she completely ignored my comment about him dying and said flatly, "Ok, go wait in that other line and she'll help you". No, "that's horrible! I'm so sorry!" nothing. (You'd be surprised how many people like to pretend they didn't hear me when I say he died).

So I go wait in the other line. All the while, there is a pregnant young woman standing behind me. (There is ALWAYS a young pregnant woman standing around me when I go out). Someone she knew came up to talk to her. "Oh, your pregnant! Yay! (Me, die a little more inside and pretend they don't exist). Her, "yeah, sucks, I know...I'm so tired and fat...and _____ (presumably the man who did this to her) just moved out and won't call me back"  and on and on about how much being pregnant sucks and how it's not the right time and on and on. I'm standing there, internally talking myself out of turning around and screaming at her (would it be wrong to slap her too??) and doing my best to ignore their super loud conversation. WHAT ON EARTH? My completely loved and wanted baby dies, but this nightmare of a woman with a guy who can't stand her get's a healthy one??? That's messed up and it makes me more angry than I can describe to you.  (You want to know why I'm having a hard time believing in God? This is why.)

F i n a l l y, I get called up the counter and the woman helps me. We now own proof that Samuel lived. I cried when she gave it to me. Finally, legal proof: he's a real boy! Thankfully, unlike the other woman, she was very kind and sorry. She said, "I can't imagine how hard this is for you". Man, what a difference when people actually acknowledge the situation.

She also helped me track down his death certificate. (Another mysteriously missing document). So my day was spent finding papers that prove he lived and died. What did you do today?

I had a few other errands (believe me when I tell you, they pile up until I have no choice but to go do them) to run before I could retreat home. I went to the bank (pregnant teller - at least she was actually married, which is an oddity these days), then the store (bad choice. There's nothing like "I'll have a blue Christmas without you" playing overhead while you desperately try to find the things you need in the most expedient manner possible) and then picked up lunch (teenage girl at the Panera drive-up window: pregnant. Seriously! Is there a single woman on earth not pregnant right now??). I needed to get groceries, but I was done with being out, so I just skipped it. I went home, ate and cried myself to sleep. Ten hours later (yep, I sleep as long as humanly possible so time moves forward) I woke up and thought about how much I hate my life. I can't even go to the bank without being reminded that just about everyone else in the world is either pregnant or mothering their healthy baby.

My plan is to not leave the house again until January. (Maybe Bryan will get the groceries...)