Friday, April 19, 2013

the big plan

Last night, for the thousandth time since Samuel died, we had the same day over again.

It goes something  like this:

I can't sleep the night before, so I stay up until 4am. I finally force myself to go to bed and don't wake up until just before 1pm. By this time, I've missed making lunch for Bryan and I come downstairs to his dishes on the counter and a pang of guilt that I can't even make lunch for the man.

I go online for a while, reading up on the ugly and beautiful world of Babyloss. I may clean a little, I may read a little, I may daze out in to empty space for a while. It doesn't matter.

Around 4:45pm or so, I figure I better make myself a little presentable, so I put on a clean shirt and brush my hair. That's me, getting presentable. I make some feeble attempt to have the house look like I've done something today, and then I stand in front of the fridge for 10 minutes trying to figure out what on earth I'm going to make.

I throw something together and then welcome Bryan home. He goes upstairs for a while, I call him to eat.

We eat, we watch TV and he goes to bed, but I can't sleep so I stay up all night again and we start off we we did the previous day.

This is my life and I'm absolutly FED UP with it.

I'm sick and tired of feeling like this! I'm sick and tired of being a babyloss mother. I'm sick and tired of him always being absent.

Around 11pm last night, I finally snapped. I'm ready to be done, so I'm going to be. I had a plan to force myself back in to the world where babies live and grief ends.

I put away a bunch of his things, and I took everything out of his crib. I want to take it down and put it away, but I can't by myself.

I decided I was sick of only living in a world where babies die, so I decided I would change up who I see in my news feeds and let some non-babyloss people in. I was going through my friend list to see who might be okay and I decided to read some friends pages. I went through several of the people I miss the most and read through the past few weeks.

Two things happened:

1. I realized what a weird world I live in now. We only talk about babyloss. We don't talk about anything else. Seeing comments about nothing is very strange to me.

2. I cried my eyes out and realized there is no escape. I can't just pretend I don't belong to this club. It was horribly painful to see all the smiling babies and happy families who have no clue what this is like. I truly am an outsider. He should be the one taking first steps and eating bubbles in the tub. I'm not okay with seeing other babies who get to do what was stolen from us. I'm just not.

Here I am, 2 hours into my "I'm not going to live like this anymore" frenzie and I'm a mess.

This IS my life .I can't pretend it's not. He died. He's missing.

I have no where to go where that won't be true.

Thank goodness I can't disassemble the crib alone! I probably would have had a nervous breakdown in the light of day.

Maybe instead of trying to run from it, I just need to find a way to bring something - anything - positive back in. Let me tell you, that's EXTREMELY hard when nothing matters anymore.

I guess all I need to do is try. It's all I can do.


  1. I think you are so correct in that you can't run from your grief. The more you run from it, the harder it is to live with. Grief is hard, learning to live with your grief is hard, everything about this is hard, but it's something that can be done...we don't really have much of a choice. We either live in the deep trenches of grief, hanging on to the pain of our loss, or slowly, excruciatingly, scratch and crawl our way towards light. A light where we still miss and love our kids, but can think of them without all of the pain.

  2. I wish you didnt belong to this club either. I hate this club. What makes it better for me is sharing his story and hoping that maybe another member of the club can feel less alone. That is the positive that I try to make out of it. Its so hard belonging to this club. Glad you didn't take the crib down!


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